Day 1 – self induced disappointment

Ever planned something marvellous in your head to only have it NOT HAPPEN!

Sitting with a glass of shiraz, in the fluffiest blanket known to man, cuddling two cats and listening to some Beta Radio, while a fully baked lasagna sits begging to be eaten in the kitchen. Slow trickles of tears running down my cheeks, starting and stopping again every so often.

Its the 1st of July today, I can’t use the ‘June has always been an emotional month for me’ excuse anymore, yet this year June came early and its lasting longer than usual. I don’t know if it was always this way or if it started after the break up when I left my husband. A freezing cold June morning, I’d slept in the spare room after he’d threatened to slit his wrists with a shammy kitchen night, and I just had to escape. I woke up early, packed a bag while he was sleeping. But it wasn’t that simple. He woke up and I grabbed by the arm and told once again what an awful human I was, by now, that was a normal day. But there was nothing normal about it and it was the day I got out. Now its 4 years later and June is still a strange time for me.

I’m feeling a bit parched for water, need to refill my wine and I’d like something to eat so I unravel from the this cocoon I’ve created and walk to the kitchen. But as I pass the kitchen counter I see the stove. I see the fully baked lasagna and my heart skips a beat and I flinch and a tear trickles down my cheek again and I scatter back to the couch to the warmth of the couch.

Tonight was planned in my head. If I go back through the messages, tonight was never set in stone. There was a mention. A mention that I took to heart so quickly and so innocently. Ah that word, innocence, somehow I feel its all I am and somehow I feel innocence is the furthest thing from what I am. But thats how it went. Like an innocent child who heard a mention and created a scenario in their head only to have it come crumbling down because they simply did not understand.

Its not my fault or his fault or anyones fault. He has apologised and I passive aggressively replied ‘Yeah’ and now I sit with trickles of tears about a man I’ve met 3 times in my life because I baked a lasagna from scratch and I washed my hair and I’m wearing a push up bra because I imagined it all in my head.

My head has gone from a place of warmth, kissing, giggles, our naked bodies and eyes locking – to a place of disappointment. A place where he now will never respond, he won’t see me on Wednesday like he had asked. He’s gone and he is finished with me, like many men before, I’m too difficult for him and he has moved on. A world where tomorrow I will awake and head to work which has always been my dream but is now a place I cannot face.

 

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The only girl I ever loved

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The minute K sat down at our table I wanted to kiss her. Bright green hair with the perfect amount of freckles, her tiny petite frame and body that I’d always dreamt of calling my own. A nose ring that I could never pull off and a smile that immediately had me wishing that I was the reason for her smiling. The parting of her lips breathing me in slowly. I was in a haze of smoke and her and I had no idea what was going on as I had never been attracted to a girl and never once even thought of kissing a girl. Not even as an experiment or a joke or a dare. It wasn’t something I was interested in. 

Until K. 

She wasn’t a girl, she was a soul. A soul that I needed to know. 

I know love has no gender and no bounds and no rules, but I knew that I would break her heart and inevitably leave her for a man. And there will never be a single moment where I wonder if it was my preconceived idea of this happening that made me end our relationship or if it was truly my heart that made the decision. Was it me or was it the way I was conditioned in a world where girls didn’t marry girls. Of course I knew gay couples, had gay friends, understood pansexuality and supported pride.

There was just something stopping me and kept making me think that I couldn’t love a girl forever and that I wouldn’t feel fulfilled. Maybe if I ignored life, maybe if we were in an alternate universe where it was just us two it would be different. 

I replayed our time together in my mind for months, I still do, I probably will forever. I used to lay in the bath surrounded by candles and covered in bubbles, music playing and the familiar scent of lemon grass in the air. Flashes of us appearing in front of me. Wishing that I could freeze our time together in a glass ball that I could put on my shelf and look at everyday. Shaking it every time and instead of sparkles or snow flakes falling, a new memory would appear. 

Flashes of her naked skin, holding her in my arms as we fell asleep, the softest goose bumps on her arms when the fan blew in our direction. The sound of her laugh echoing in my mind, the time we danced in my garden, kissing, drunk on wine and spinning around in each others arms. DIY projects with the washing line, me telling her to use her common sense and the smirk on her face when she snapped back and said ‘you’re in a mood today’. Kissing passionately in the kitchen while creating heavenly meals and then getting too drunk and passing out before we even ate. Baths that lasted for hours, rubbing each others shoulders with the latest exfoliating scrub I’d discover, kissing and gripping each others hair. 

I don’t know what it was, or when or how or why.

All I knew was that I could never ever hurt the only girl I ever loved and that was enough of a reason to go. 

Hi…

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I know…

I know…

I only write when everything is just a total and utter fuck up…like it is now.

Let me break it down for y’all…

I broke up with A. Remember him, the sweetest most wonderful man to have crossed the planet? Well, this girl broke his heart.

And then what did I do?

What do you think I did, if you’ve been reading my blog for the past few years then you know me by now and yes I did it again. I found a man almost instantly and fell for him and I fell hard. An yes I know its unhealthy.

But tell me what you would do if you were faced with the sweetest, funniest and attractive man who literally  makes you weak in the knees when you kiss him?

You’d fall hard. Thats what you would do. You’d fall hard too.

Fuck I’m too old for this shit!

I do miss you sometimes

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Sitting in my boyfriends bed – he’s upstairs watching soccer – usually I sit with him and watch but tonight a strange feeling came over me so I’ve come downstairs to write.

I do miss my ex husband sometimes. Like right now, listening to music that we discovered together and loved. Songs we sang to over a glass of wine while I was cooking and he sat on the kitchen counter next to me. The two of us giggling over something and his smile stained a purplish, red from the wine. I do miss those moments.

And I think thats ok and I think its ok to admit it.

For the first time in possibly my whole life, there has been a month where I didn’t stress financially. I’ve never been more secure in myself as I am right now – I finally went back to the gym last week and have stopped eating cake on a daily basis lol.

Things are good.

Of course things with A are perfect. Its been over a year and some how he is still the most incredible person I have ever met and I fall more and more in love with him every day – I know how cliche that sounds! But its true.

So do I miss my ex husband sometimes? Ye of course I do. Is it a big deal however? No, of course not.

 

 

 

 

God alone knows what Chapter or Day we’re on? But A special thank you to you all

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HI 🙂

Its me…

Thanks to everyone who still follows and thank you to the new followers that I have gained during my absence – Its been 3 months.

I’ve started a blog for my business and it would mean the world to me if all my loyal followers could check it out 🙂

NEW BLOG FOR THE BUSINESS

You guys have been with me through it all. Through the divorce and the eating disorder and when I decided to start the business. Through this blog I have received so much help with my anxiety especially with everyones comments and posts about their own struggles. I really hope that you will all continue to keep following me on this journey 🙂

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Update:

A, my boyfriend, for those of you who forgot haha – came home with me to my family for Christmas and it was so wonderful. We’re still together and its been a year guys 🙂 and I fall more and more in love with him even day – I know how cliche that sounds, but its true.

My business is doing well 🙂

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It feels like things are going slowly – but they actually aren’t if I look back. If I look back to 3 months ago when I did my last post a lot has happened. And it seems like my business has actually just grown overnight.

  1. I’ve moved into a new studio and its marvelous
  2. I got into my first store – and thats why I have been so quiet. I had to design an A/W collection and send all the samples for review and then they liked me 🙂 so I am supplying them for winter for my winter collection. Which is huge because this store holds a lot of the top designers in the country, SA, and to showcase my clothing alongside them is such a blessing.
  3. I’ve become a huge advocate for the fashion revolution and I’m the official face of the Fashion Revolution at Fashion Week SA which is in a weeks time – this is so super exciting!
  4. My brother got married and I made my sister in laws dress and she looked absolutely stunning 🙂

Thats about it 🙂 and my hair os blonde now and I still struggle with food and have been to the gym about 5 times this year…eeek

I promise to try my best to post more regularly!

 

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Happy Birthday to the past – Day 14

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Its my ex husbands birthday today and I didn’t say Happy Birthday.

Last year I did, and he said I sent him into a dark depression just by hearing my voice. So this years I completely avoided contact at all costs.

I hope he had a fabulous day however!