Technically today is not day 1 of being divorced.
But it is day 1 of the journey.
I am moving into my new flat today. I’m just unpacking today and then tomorrow night I will spend my first night alone in a flat. My lawyer has intervened so my husband is not allowed to contact me anymore (he was sending about 39 emails a day) apparently this qualifies for harassment, and also his emails were very emotionally abusive. So all contact has ended between us.
What does it feel like to be getting divorced at 25 after only being married for 8months? It feels strange. Slightly liberating, Slightly depressing. Unbearably frightening. And empty and hollow.
There’s no better reality check than going to a party and people say:
‘Oh my god, you got married the other day, congratulations!’ SQUIRM! Or they say ‘How’s married life? Are you loving it?’ SQUIRM! Or there are people that you have never met and you making small talk and they ask ‘Do you have a boyfriend? Are you married?’ SQUIRM – I’m kind of married sort of divorced, don’t really know what to call myself just yet and divorcee sounds so extreme because that was not the question and that is going to lead to an awkward conversation. So I just say no and smile politely and say something like ‘This is such a great wine, what a good year, I’m going to refill my glass’ even if my glass is still full I go refill it anyway!
And only after this party (which was an engagement party might I add) did it really hit me. When you have to start telling people. I can handle the words and the trauma in my head and I can speak to my family and friends about everything. But when you say it out loud for the first time to a relative or friend that isn’t in your immediate support group it really hits home. Word is getting around however and I constantly have missed calls on my phone, and I am embarrassed to say that I never phone people back. Because I honestly don’t know what to say to everyone.
I am also one of those people who put up a brave face, I can cry and mourn with my family and friends. To strangers however I look happy as a clam. People are even commenting on how good I look – this makes me feel a bit guilty as I feel that I should be wearing sweat pants all day and no make up and walk around with a tub of ice cream all day. Somehow my coping mechanism is to engage in retail therapy, change my hair colour and train for a marathon and watch HBO girls at night- I think I am trying very hard to feel good about myself after my husband slammed my self esteem into the ground!
So my plan for this blog (I have about 5 blogs and I post one post on each and then get over it or forget about them or I forget what I called the blog). Anyway my plan for this blog is to post every day for 25 days about all the motions I am going through and what it feels like to be a 25 year old divorcee! Also what its like going from the cutest couple ever to being no couple at all.
Honestly I feel like I am in a catatonic state of shock 24/7