He was the man of my dreams until he wasn’t and thats ok too – Day 4

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After a wonderful evening yesterday, the love just continued. I had to work this morning, but it wasn’t too bad. Then at about 14h00 met up with my parents at their hotel and spent the rest of the afternoon drinking gin and tonics with them.

Of course had too many, and by too many I mean I had two – because I’m a cheap drink. Parents stayed by the pool and I went to nap in their hotel room. Its about 6 weeks ago when I went away with them for a few days. My dad had booked a trip for us in January already. It was going to be the four of us. Mom, Dad, me and my husband. We were all looking forward to it so, until we just weren’t. I landed up going on the trip with my uncle as my date instead. (He was much better company than my husband by the way lol)

I was so emotionally distraught, mentally broken down and physically exhausted that I spent most of our trip sleeping. Of course this holiday was booked with the thought of couples in mind, so my uncle landed up sleeping in the luxury bedroom and I landed up on the couch. However the one night I felt a bit ill and I was so tired that I slept in my parents bedroom and told them to wake me when they wanted to sleep and I would return to the couch. I woke up at 6am the next morning in their bed, cozy and warm, stretched out like a snow angel and I found them sleeping on the couch 🙂 and that is what love is.

Today getting a little drunk with my mom and explaining to her how important it is to take control of your fears and live in the moment, while giggling and slurring. And my mom telling me that all you have to do in this life is be yourself. And her giggling at my ridiculousness and telling me that she loves me so much. Thats love.

Chatting about fun times we had with my husband – thats love. Like the time we had a hippie party and all wore tie dye and he got so drunk and passed out on the couch and we all put toys on him and drew on him. That was fun. Thats the guy we remember. Having amazing dinners with and deep conversations and watching him follow his dreams. His brilliant mind and intelligence and his ability to care so much for the less fortunate and his drive to make the world a better place. We remember the fun loving man that he was and still is. And thats love.

Life is so fickle. I’ve had a few people tell me that they never truly liked him and they also thought things weren’t right. But that is complete bullshit. We all loved him and no one saw this coming. Why be mean? Why destroy the person just because they didn’t turn out to be what you had wanted and hoped for and loved. Why all of a sudden did my in laws split the other way and realise that they never liked me anyway. They all knew this would happen.

I’ll never ever forget the day – 6 April 2015 – literally five months ago. We were in the mountains and it was spectacular. The most beautiful water falls, the lush green mountains. My mother in law and I went for a hike – because no one ever wanted to hike with her might I add because no one wanted to wait for her – so I always walked and hiked with her on holidays. We had such a special time. she spoke about it for weeks after. We sat on the veranda of the most quaint cottage in the world and she said to me ‘The first time you came to our house, I just knew, I just knew that you were the best thing that had ever happened to my son, I knew you were his soul mate’! My heart smiled and so did hers. My husband was in his room working and being fucking moody as he always is around his family. And I hung out with his parents – we bonded and we connected.

And now I wonder how she feels about that day? Did she know? Did she look into my eyes and blatantly lie, or was that what she truly believed at that moment. At that moment did she think that I was a spoilt little girl, ungrateful and indulged, not intellectual enough? At that moment in the mountains in that quaint little cabin, did she know that she would be accusing me of having an affair just 5 months later, did she know her sons soul mate was emotionally unstable and that she was vain and self absorbed? I wonder what she was feeling in her heart at that moment.

Strangely enough. I still love her. Yes she caused so much fucking emotional turmoil for her son, but I still love her. I still respect her because she raised that family. She raised those children when her husband was absent. She gave her all to those children and to her husband. History repeats itself. In my marriage, I kept our family going, I gave it everything. It was never enough, I never fitted in and I felt so alone in the marriage but I gave it my all. Just like my mother in law did. She is such an incredibly strong woman. Was she a total back stabbing two faced bitch these last few months? Yes she was. Do I hate her for it? No I do not. She was being the best mom and her best self and she was supporting her son and she needed to pin the blame on someone. They all did. That whole family did. They needed to hate someone and blame someone for hurting their perfect son (who by the way needed serious mental help in July -those were her exact words to my mother). But none the less she stood by her family and I will always admire her for her strength in her marriage and for keeping that family together, even if it turned out toxic, she kept them together and she built that family up from the ground. I will forever remember her for the strong woman that she is.

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When you gonna love you as much as I do – Day 3

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My mom and dad are here and its my uncles wedding and it was wonderful!

I had a long heart to heart with my mum and I am feeling so much better now. I think I was living in lahlah land for a while when they were gone. Then when they got back from Paris I had to discuss lawyers again and divorce and therapy and I think I just felt vulnerable again.

While they were gone I tried to convince myself that I was doing really well because I had to. I find it hard to just open up and speak to my friends about everything, they support me with the divorce and they are incredible, but my parents are really the only two people I am completely comfortable opening up to about my eating disorder. So when they got back I just crumbled again.

Strangely its not even about my husband anymore.

It’s now become a soul searching journey. It’s about me. I cry because I am sad about the eating disorder and the medication and the therapy. It makes me sad that I am on medication – I try to not let it get to me but it does. When I skipped a few days and it effected me I felt sad. I guess I just wish I was strong enough to have to use the therapy and medication as help. Which is ridiculous because I am going through something so challenging so I deserve the help.
I know its just my husbands voice in my head telling me that I am weak. He loved to tell me to toughen up.

I guess its a constant effort to love ourselves and be in love with ourselves. I honestly don’t think it comes naturally to any of us. Its a work in progress, day to day and second to second we make ourselves number one and we follow our hearts. It will become easier as times goes by as you become stronger. I mean 6 months ago I would never have been able to stand up for myself, or make up my mind, or love me. Now I work at it daily. Its hard and its raw and its grey and its sometimes so challenging, but I keep trying.

The picture is of my dad and I on our way to my wedding 🙂 I love it so much! I’m however not ready to show face yet lol

Chemicals – Day 2

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I forgot to take my medication two days in a row, hence feeling chemically depressed. I forgot but I also forgot on purpose? If that makes sense.

Now I feel even worse because I am horrified of being off medication.

And I feel so depressed and numb. I thought that is what the medication does? Clearly that is the way I feel when I am off the medication? The medication is actually helping me deal with it all and feel. Oh my gosh, this is so depressing.

I know I wont be on the medication for much longer. I’ve walked this road before and then I thrived for 6 years without medication. I merely just have to walk this path ahead, though with a new set of eyes, I just need to walk it again and I will reach the light at the end of this fight.

This however is one of the things that makes this the most painful and irritating and debilitating experiences of my whole situation. I thought I was finished with medication and therapy and mental illness and shit! But you clearly never are. You never ever stop learning and life never ever stops throwing you curve balls because the simple truth is that life doesn’t care about you 🙂 or me or anyone else. Life just happens and we just have to roll with the punches.

We just have to make sure that we make the most of it and appreciate it and experience the journey and don’t take it so seriously.

I ate two brownies today and an insane amount of Lindt chocolate balls – Who the fuck cares. Its just sugar and its just an eating disorder and its just trauma. Everybody has their shit. Who the fuck cares. Just keep going. And just keep enjoying those Lindt chocolates – JUST IN MODERATION – and in balance. Lets not destroy ourselves now, but lets just stop being so fucking serious for a second!

PART II – Day 1

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Why do we crucify ourselves?

My heart is sick of being in chains.

Part II was supposed to start off on such a positive note. Instead it started with binge purge in the morning, 8km run, and then a nap.

I’ve wanted to leave this life. No, I don’t want to die, but I definitely wouldn’t mind leaving for a while. Today I had an awful morning and then I had brunch and it was lovely and then it was awful. I hid out today. I hid from the world today and I stopped feeling today and I gave into the numbness and I gave into the sorrow. The funny thing about sorrow (not that there is anything funny about sorrow), is that it doesn’t always wear the mask that you expect it to. It isn’t always lying on the floor crying and it isn’t always feeling depressed – sometimes sorrow is staring for two hours and being blank and sometimes its distraction of any form.

Today it was binge and purge. Today it was my dark side, and I remained there all day. Today I was numb and I didn’t care. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck about life at all. SHOCK! HORROR! People think I am incredibly strong and resilient and wise and positive – well yes I am resilient. But I also have a very negative side to me – my dark side, and no one will ever take me away from my dark side. We all have that side, some darker than others. And don’t think because you have not seen someones dark side that they don’t have one – oh trust me they do. We all do. My gran used to call it the little devil on your shoulder. Thats your little dark side that crucifies you. Literally, it turns the lights off.

Your dark side sits and criticises you until you are stripped bare. The dark side makes you feel so much hurt that your heart feels it is going to explode and that dark side also makes you feel nothing. When you are so broken and you force the tears and they don’t come. You hanging out with your dark side my friend.

My dark side and I bonded today. Thoughts of self harm, hatred, depression, regret and all things poison.

Misery is company.

Is it healthy to have days like this? I don’t think so. Days to mourn and days to cry and be sad and days to feel sorry for yourself are necessary. Days where the dark side of depression kicks in and you allow it – I don’t think these days are healthy.

I will honestly try to sit with the dark side next time and feel the thoughts instead of pushing them away. I have to try and learn to live with that dark side and just be present in it. No one deserves to be there.

25 days of divorce – Day 25

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Today is day 25 and if I read through the last 25 posts I am actually really impressed and happy with how far I have come.

Today I signed my divorce settlement.

Today I feel numb, yet sad, yet relieved.

Today I also restricted all day and then binged and purged.

Today I also feel chemically depressed – literally chemically.

Today I am also so grateful to my incredible support team for carrying me through this.

Today also cried because of how fortunate and lucky and loved I am.

Welcome back focus and concentration, i have missed you – Day 24

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I have finally stopped forgetting things, I can actually focus at work for the first time in a while and I am becoming so much more present in every aspect of my life. Today work was actually good and it was exciting and it was busy. For so many months I was unhappy at work because I was panicking so much about money because my husband made me feel guilty every time he spent money on me. Dinner became awkward, speaking about health insurance became awkward and it was obviously not particularly fun being told that he paid for our house. And it was not grey being told that I was a child that needed to be entertained all the time. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this but he literally once told me he feels like he needs to constantly give me a lollipop or something just to keep me preoccupied. And we only saw each other after like 8 at night? So confused, childish little me.

I work for a small business, we growing and there isn’t much money floating around. I however really love my job and I love the people I work with. I know I could potentially work elsewhere and earn double but I know I wont be able to be as creative as I am now and I wont be exposed to so many different aspects of the industry and I wont have so much flexibility. Most importantly I cant imagine working with a more incredible team.

So for the first time in months I am actually just enjoying work and ironically I am going to get a raise this month! Whoohoo! I will still be earning peanuts, but at least a few more peanuts. I obviously have a lot more responsibilities now as I pay my own insurance and will have to pay my own rent soon instead of sharing and then I obviously have to deal with my car that always has some issue and then there are those unexpected expenses like when your stupid phone screen cracks. Also there is the fact that I just love shopping, and I love spending money – it is a huge problem that I seriously need to work on lol, in time.

Anyway, I’m feeling positive. I feel like I will get by, and its nice to not have to worry about someone telling me constantly that they pay for everything. It’s nice to be able to do whatever I want and just spend all my money on myself in any way that I want!

Speaking of money – things are tight at the moment and whenever things get tight I think of selling my wedding rings haha. Its such a big decision though, where do you sell them? You will never get the mount of money that they actually worth and I could melt them down and make a new piece of jewellery but that seams like so much admin right now. So for now they still in a lipstick case in my bed side cupboard. I actually looked at them yesterday and put them on – and I didn’t cry like a baby, I just smiled at how beautiful they are.

You’re eyes looked like coming home – Day 23

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All I’ve seen is green eyes, freckles and your smile in the back of my mind making me feel like I just wanna know you better, know you better now.

When I spend time with him it is so raw and so honest.

And that is all I can be. I can only be me. Somehow being me again brought someone into my life that was happy with the real me.

However this is still about me. This blog is about me. My life is about me.

I’m obsessing.

Its extreme.

I have to constantly remind myself to just let it be.

Stop trying to control life so much.