OK! First and foremost, my wifi at my new house is horrendous. So I still write a post everyday but I will unfortunately only be posting them every few days!
So day 2
Today has been both exciting and equally saddening.
I like my new little flat, its tiny and quaint. I’ve got pretty much everything from my old house so today I bought a few pot plants, a new lamp and stocked the fridge with groceries. I spent about an hour in the book store this afternoon flipping through books about divorce, there was even a workbook to work through all the anger and depression and guilt and shame. I just couldn’t bring myself to buy a book though-it just seems so depressing. Instead I bought a new cook book!
Moving in was fun, I listened to music, unpacked and decorated and then sat on my bed and ate a whole box of chocolates and then I think reality started to sink in. I haven’t been alone (by alone I mean single) in four years. My husband is still emailing me daily – though he has managed to bring the emails down to about 10 a day. I’m in two minds about this: firstly I want to be a little bitch and tell my lawyer that he is still harassing me, and secondly I still love my husband so much and I guess I want to protect him against the implications (whatever the implications may be).
I miss him, I really do. I miss him holding me and I miss listening to his stories and seeing his smile. I miss having dinner with him, I miss making his lunch for work and I miss finishing each others sentences. I miss the way he used to tap his wedding ring on his wine glass while taking a sip and smiling and I miss my wedding ring, I still cant get used not wearing it, my left hand looks and feels so empty. I love him dearly and unconditionally. Despite what has happened I still love him – I think I will probably love him forever, just in a different form maybe.
I however don’t miss the last past 8 months, I don’t miss our wedding day and I don’t miss our honeymoon. I don’t miss being called a child and a spoilt brat and I don’t miss being told that I am constantly looking for attention. I wish I could erase the night when me told me he couldn’t wait to meet his new wife because she would love him and respect him in a way that i didn’t. I would give anything to forget the moment when were sitting outside his office on the stairs next to the ‘tower of light’ (how ironic) when he said that he had been thinking about being with other woman and when he said he had been thinking of ways to end our marriage since it started. Most of all I’d like to erase the fact that he and his family accused me of having an affair. His family, that had become my family that i had loved so dearly. Like black and white. All of a sudden I was and still am hated by everyone for the shit that they made up about me.
Now lying in bed, I feel like my bed will never be warm again without him. And nothing hurts more than just remembering how special our love was.
My parents are coming to visit tomorrow evening and then they are off to Paris for 3 weeks. I will admit, I am horrified. My support team is flying across Europe, and I am so excited for them and yet I am so horrified of not being able to pick up the phone and cry like a two year old to my mum.
I think I’m going to have a cup of tea.