Today was one of the better ones.
I didn’t sleep particularly well last night – it takes a while to get used to a new bed I suppose!
Work was good and so busy so it kept me preoccupied which was good and then I had a great dinner with my parents and aunt and uncle! My mom and dad are on their way to London tomorrow and I am so excited for them – they are so excited!
During this process there are so many ups and downs. Some up days and some down days and then there are those days that flit between up and down and you feel like a yo yo. Today was an up day and I enjoyed it cautiously, I think that one of the most challenging aspects of divorce is moments where you feel happy you actually feel guilty simultaneously. Divorce is one of the most challenging experiences one can go through, its so deep and dark and multi faceted and in reality it is like experiencing a death. The death of a relationship that you committed yourself to (until death do us part) and it is the death of all the future plans and dreams you and your spouse shared as well as the death of a fragment of what makes you who you are.
I am a daughter, a sister, a friend, an employee, a stranger, a girl, and the list goes on and I am also a wife. When divorce strikes, you literally lose one of the fragments of your being. You lose your best friend/husband/wife/companion/love of your life and you lose a fragment of yourself. It is so incredibly hard to build a new life without your partner and it is equally hard building a new life when you have lost one of the fragments you have identified with.
This morning I naturally wanted to be a wife. I always used to wake up before my husband and do a bit of cleaning and so on and I would pack his lunch for work and then I would take him his coffee and biscuits in bed (ginger biscuits). This morning however I made myself coffee -I never drink coffee – and I made no lunch. These are just the secondary losses of losing someone. The primary loss is losing your soul mate (one of your soul mates at least) and the secondary loss is losing those moments. Thos tiny moments that made you a wife and made him your husband.
So today I did a lot of work and then I went out to dinner with my family with all the fragments of my being except for being a wife. There was no holding hands, his hand on my leg and the two of us tasting each others dishes. But there was me being a daughter and a niece and being loved and cherished, being cared about and being supported and for now I think that is what matters. Yes things have and are falling apart, but there are so many new moments to experience. So many new moments to experience in the now. For now I think I am feeling so grateful and appreciative for what I have gained and not focusing on what I have lost. Because when you going through hell you just keep going. And you keep looking for moments, even if they are just tiny specs, you look for them and you appreciate them.