Husband send me an email again, 2 emails – this is not allowed, he has been reprimanded by my lawyer for harassment and slandering, and we could literally get a court order against him. Yet, little me cannot fathom the implications of putting him in that position. Despite the position he has put me in. I just don’t see the point in being mean and starting a war. Or do I maybe just not value myself enough to fight back and stand up for myself and so I still continue to put his needs before my own?
Went to gym and worked out for 2 hours – it was a slow workout – however is was too long. ED is chatting and he is loud! I think it is because my parents are in Paris and London for three weeks so I only chat to them over email and text and I don’t want to say much because I don’t want them to worry, also my therapist is away for three weeks, she said I could call her if I needed but she is on holiday, so I really don’t want to do that.
I did however have a good day, managed to eat despite the thoughts. Went to do my hair which was great and then went to stay over with my friends (the couple that I lived with for a month) and had a great night with them. I made us a curry and we had some wine and chatted and danced and had a really great time!
Realised I still very much am living with a wife mentality, when ever I see clothes in the mens section, I want to buy him something and I keep wanting to get him is favourite chocolate every time I see it. I also feel like holding hands lately and have noticed that I actually at other men for the first time in four years. When you are in a couple its like you wearing goggles, you notice there are good looking people out there but you never really look at them. Now I look at them and I smile and I find myself feeling like a twelve year old girl! Naturally due to my wonderfully complex personality and perception of myself I feel guilty about this. I am still married and I still love him and i’m in the process of divorcing and I am grieving and I feel lonely and like I want to be held. Yet, I feel excited when I’m doing things and I realise that I can do that for hours and not worry about anyone – I don’t have to worry about feeding someone, doing laundry, paying someone or watering the garden and I also don’t have to worry about getting shouted at if I leave my nail polish lying on the dining room table (or about my clutter – spices on the kitchen counter or having a lot of a lot of cereal bowls is not clutter).
So I am in two minds. Stuck in a relationship mentality which makes me feel quite silly because technically I was never a wife? My relationship has been over since my husband told me it was over when we were on our honeymoon. And then I am a bit excited about starting my life and being me again and meeting new friends and hanging out with people – and this makes me feel guilty because when I see a man I find attractive I feel like I am being unfaithful?
I really am horrified with the way I feel right now.
Of course I am no where near starting a new relationship and if I sit with myself and dig deep and am honest with myself, I wouldn’t like to be in a relationship right now. Not with my husband or anyone else , I feel that I really have to focus on myself and commit to myself for the next year or so at least. I know myself, I know I would never be open to a relationship right now, but my husband did tell me that during our marriage he often thought about himself being with other woman – obviously I am just late to the party as I am only starting to imagine other relationships now. hmmmm