Things change – Day 10

increase-plant-growth

I think I slept for about four hours last night! Which is absurd as I usually clock 8 or 9. I was so stressed out for work, because of my deteriorating ability to focus I made a huge mistake and was about to send 110 dresses into production, and the sleeve wasn’t sitting properly! So I got to the factory at 7:30 this morning and literally yelled STOP! Thank goodness they hadn’t cut and I sorted out the mistake which was really quick and simple and not at all like the massive train smash that I had imagined!

Sooooo…sent through all the documents for my divorce and soon I will receive the summons from the sherif. I must be honest I was quite apprehensive about sending all the documents through. I did ponder and I did procrastinate, maybe not purposefully but I did take my time. I like to think this is natural as it is one of the bigger decisions of my life – need to think these things through. All is going smoothly and my lawyer is really happy that my husband is drawing up the summons because then there will be no need for me to go to court and terminate the marriage. My husband will have to go to court. No need for the unnecessary trauma of going to court, my lawyer is my family lawyer and he has known me since I was born, so its amazing to have such a supportive person that actually personally knows me on my team.

Dealing with a lot of anger today as my husband is still emailing all the time. Last nights email states that he is going to find a cure – not sure for what, but he is going to find a cure. Tonights email is about empathy and there was another one that was a research paper about egocentricity that I didn’t even bother to read.

I had a wonderful dinner with my uncle and aunt and we chatted, its really ironic to be living with them (well in the cottage on their property) because they have both been divorced twice and they have now been together for about 6 years and are getting married in two weeks! Which is so wonderful, I am so excited for them. I really admire them as they have both dealt with difficulties in the past, my aunt (my biological uncles fiancé who I just think of as my aunt) was two emotionally abusive relationships before and has also struggled a lot with anxiety during those times so I can really relate to her and open up to. It’s really great that they are getting married, because despite all the troubles they have been through they are still both such positive people filled with so much hope.

The other day a friend of mine asked if I now get annoyed by weddings and everyone my age getting engaged and so on? And I really don’t. I am still romantic and I still believe in love and in marriage and in soul mates. I now just believe that its quite possible that we have many soul mates. After all we are such complex beings, life changes and people change. People grow and I think that if you are with someone that is not supporting your personal growth then you will grow apart. I feel that I all of a sudden started to grow in ways that I couldn’t foresee, after my wedding when I was 24 I start growing slowly but surely and sometimes I feel that my husband couldn’t deal with the changes in me.

I am still receiving emails by the way. No respect for me or for my lawyer.

I hope he is doing ok at home alone and I hope the dogs are ok, I honestly shudder at the thought of my husband eating baked beans and pizza for dinner every night. Even though he did kick me out his house and tell me where I could and couldn’t stay once I had left. Somehow I still feel this immense love and responsibility as a wife to care for her husband. I also know that he has no one to relate to when it comes to mental illness and therapy and that is why he constantly contacts me because I am the only one that understands his fragile state of mind as I was there 6 years ago. Sadly though, I need to protect myself and it seems the more I protect him and his feelings and thoughts and beliefs the more I destroy myself.

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