You can check out any time you like but you can never leave – Day 11

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I would never get a tattoo – I’m too much of a pansy and I’ve never really felt the need to. Of course I went through a phase when I was about 16 where I really wanted a tattoo on my wrist – but I am way too much of a control freak and uptight to ink myself and too scared. I also loved it when a guy had a tattoo, so wildly attractive. Now however I enjoy hypothetical tattoos, not literally inked tattoos.

Is my life a bit of a roller coaster right now? Yes! I am feeling abnormally tired today, I know this is because of my horrendous eating and sleeping patterns lately. The health freak seems to be living off nutella, sour gums and avocado on toast and coffee lately. I have always hated coffee – once every three months I would enjoy a cappuccino but I have never particularly enjoyed it. Also caffeine effects me funny, sometimes it does nothing and sometimes I find myself bouncing off the walls with anxiety and energy from the caffeine high and then I need to take a nap. However, I lately drink decaf and sometimes caffeinated coffee and see what happens. Perhaps this has something to do with the fact that my husband drank about 5 cups a day and couldn’t function without coffee. I don’t know and I don’t have time to sit an analyse.

I gym too much and then I get exhausted and then I cant finish a session because my body is a bit weak from all the stress and anxiety perhaps. I also purged on Saturday for the first time in about 6 months. I also had a lunch today with dessert that was about the equivalent calories of what I normally eat in two days and I feel so guilty! I feel like I failed, if I can control my eating and my body then I feel like everything will be ok even though it all feels very out of control at the moment. Sometimes I go days without eating disorder thoughts or behaviours and some days I feel paralysed by this illness, but at least it is not all days.

I however am not even beating myself up for all my bad behaviours lately. I used to have a panic attack if I ate one too many cookies or didn’t run enough kilometres. Now I’m chilled. I’m going through a crisis and I’m just riding it out. Like I said before – When you going through hell just keep going.

One day when I am laying in my coffin I am going to be bruised and battered and I would have lived and been on one hell of a ride. Of course some people have a much rougher time in life and what I am going through is childs play to them, but lets not go minimizing. I always compare myself to others and think things are not too bad and I’m ok and I should stop being a big baby and work harder or more and do more and be more and accomplish more and all that stuff that we all pressurise ourselves with on a daily basis. So here’s to feeling sorry for myself today! I have always believed that life gives us what we can handle. No need to minimise peoples issues and think because you are dealing with so much more than someone else that you are now a stronger and more accomplished human being!

My husband always used to point out how I have never had to work for anything. Which is an interesting observation. Because clearly there were little fairies that got me through school and fashion school and got me a job and the fairies pay all my bills. The fairies also managed to recover from an eating disorder. Lets not forget that the fairies cooked his dinner every night and made his sandwiches for work and always made sure he had enough coffee, the fairies also cleaned and they did washing and folded washing. Those little fairies also held my husband in their arms when he was sad or disappointed. I just hung out all day vegetating and doing nothing my whole life while the fairies did everything. Love those fairies.

Again! It is important to realise that life has so much more in store and that this too shall pass and we must look to the future! It is equally important that we sit and feel sorry for ourselves once in a while. I have to feel sorry for myself time about twice a week where I just sit and stare and eat nutella out a jar and wish someone would hug me and tell me its all a nightmare. You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave. In no time I’ll have to bounce back and face things again, but for a moment you can just check out.

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