Today was a bit intense, there was a lot going on emotionally. I was really anxious because I was waiting to hear from my lawyer and because my sister and brother in law were coming to visit. My brother and my husband have been friends since they were 13, I actually met my husband at my sister and brother in laws wedding. What a painfully romantic story that was, one day Ill divulge the details of how adorable we were.
For brother this is of course a tricky situation. I actually haven’t spoken to him about everything, I haven’t spoken to him in a few months even because I was scared. I don’t know what I was scared of in particular, I was just scared of the position that he was in, and I didn’t want him to choose sides which I knew he wouldn’t, but there was of course a part of me that was scared he would side with my husband, even though I know he would remain objective. Their relationship has been quite complex since the day I met my husband. There was once a huge fight that broke out between the two of them and my husband blamed me for the fight completely. After the fight my husband was so distraught and heartbroken that if it meant that it took me taking the blame for something I didn’t even do wrong then that is what I was going to do. So I took all the blame – all the time. So I ruined their friendship apparently.
There was then the incident at my wedding where my brother in law completely took over and this drove my husband absolutely mad! I had to ask my father to ask my brother to just slow down a bit and stop ruling the roost and thinking he is entitled to make decisions. I know my brother was trying to help and he was trying to give us a special wedding, and I didn’t hold this all against, I was of course annoyed at a few things he said and did but then I got over it. My husband however was furious and would not let go, his view was that my brother (who is always my brother when he is doing something, but my husbands friend when he is doing something right) was trying to get all the attention. My brother was trying to control and dominate because he has always been threatened by my husband. Only now when I type this do I realise how bizarre it is. There was also once an incidence on holiday where my brother belittled my husband or something – I don’t know, I was not there and it has recently come to my knowledge that my husband this holiday flirting with another woman – I don’t know, I was not there.
Anyway, so things have always been tricky in the relationship between me, my husband and my brother. So today I felt anxious. So I did something naughty – for the first time in 3 months I binged and purged, a lot, in the mall. And then… I forgave myself. I sat myself done and faced the anxiety and the fear and just held it and sat with it. I stuffed up, I was really disappointed with myself. I was disappointed with myself, bulimia was happy and the the side of me that restricts was furious. It was a lot of emotion, it was intense and it was hard. In the moment leading up to the binge and purge I thought to stop myself, but I didn’t know how, I could only think of calling someone, but I don’t know how to pick up the phone to a family member or a friend and say ‘i’m about to binge and purge help’. It’s what I’ve got to do though, I am ashamed, but I can also just call someone up and say I am feeling anxious, lets chat or go for coffee. I don’t need to divulge the disordered behaviour, thats just the disorder making me feel like I have to so that I can feel ashamed and just be stuck in its evil web.
After the “episode” for lack of a better term – I went to the zoo to meet my sister, brother and my nephew and niece and it was magical. Yes, magical, wonderful and incredible. My nephew and I got horribly lost in the zoo at on point and I had to carry him for about an hour and we laughed so much it was so precious. He is almost 4 years old and so special, the rest of my day and evening was dedicated to him and my 1 year old niece who has just started walking and is developing a personality of her own. I really connected with my sister again which was great, we had a bit of a wobble in february, we don’t bump heads often, but when I saw them in february I was so anxious and uptight I couldn’t relax and my sister saw something was up and I thinking I just started pushing them away more and more. Tonight we reconnected, I was relaxed and she was relaxed and it was like old times, we laughed and she is so supportive and such an incredible mother to those two munchkins. I really admire her and love her, and its these moments that make me feel whole again. Moments with my family where I feel connected again,
I have spent so long walking on egg shells and being scared of how my family behaves in case they upset my husband that for this whole year I havent even stopped to enjoy my family and see the incredible love they have and how amazing they are. After they have been judged and been called so many things, I started to lose sight and I am so grateful that I am able to see them again and really see them and be present with them and share moments and memories with them.