Today was awful. Anxiety ridden.
Work was good, after I left I decided to go to the mall and do some shopping before having dinner with family. For some reason the whole day I felt so anxious and edgy and kind of depresses actually. I had a good morning but as the day went on I seemed to start getting angrier and angrier as every minute went by. I think I was really angry because I didn’t have much money and I was starting to stress out a little. My husband owes me some money from insurance and so on, wilst I am so over fighting for money in the divorce that is rightfully mine, I do however need the small some of money that really is mine and was mine and always will be mine! So I texted him and asked him for it – very politely. He said he would put into my account next week, which was shocking and amazing.
Then he texted that he loves me unconditionally. Then he texted that he can’t stop thinking about me. Then that I am his soul mate. Then he said sorry. Then he said he knows who I am in my core. And then he said other things like that and it just got annoying and then I was really angry. How little words mean when they’re a little to late.
So what did I do? Something so silly and something I now deeply regret yet understand and I think thats the silver lining about it. I binged and purged on cake in the mall bathroom – on the floor in the bathroom. I am so disgusted with myself – but somehow so empathetic for myself as well. I realise that I passed the phase of this disorder where I hate myself and I have reached a point of understanding. It was a hard week, I had so much anxiety and I was angry and I was grumpy because I wasn’t eating enough so I was tired and I was busy and went to bed late every night so I wasn’t my best self.
I wish I handled the situation and my feelings differently instead of reverting to eating disorder behaviours and thats ok. Because while the behaviours are destructive, they are clues that I need focus on myself and face my feelings. I need to face the anger I feel, not only the anger I feel towards my husband but the anger I feel towards his family. The names they called me, the accusations from my ‘in laws’ and the rumours that were spread – I think this is where most of my anger lies. The betrayal that I felt from his family and the betrayal that I felt by him when he didn’t support me and have my back, when he instead believed them and doubled the rumours and spread them to even more groups of people. I think this is where my anger lies. It lies in my ego.
Its my ego that has been tarnished and I have to face it head on and keep reminding myself that I know who I am and that the lies and rumours don’t matter. I could build a castle out of all the bricks they through at me, but at the end of the day it is really no big deal. Because who are they? They are the past. And I am me, and for the first time in months I am so happy to be me and to be in my own company. I think thats what it boils down to – my ego was destroyed and as a human being we are all in our own heads all the time and when your ego gets bruised, you feel yourself losing yourself and needing to prove yourself and needing to people please and all that meaningless crap. You don’t have to prove yourself to anyone as far as I am concerned. I spent so much energy trying to prove to my husband that I was in fact a decent human being and that I did respect him and that I was a good wife and not attached to my family – that I eventually got so lost in proving myself that I lost myself completely. If you need to prove yourself to someone then they really aren’t worth your time as far as I’m concerned.
So now I already feel better for just getting that out. Which means that all I need to do is find the link that links my brain to positive coping mechanisms instead of negative. I feel positive about finding or maybe developing that link so I think that there is a start already.