Again woke up anxiety ridden at 5am, and I destroyed my tub of sour gums and then I went back to sleep. The most horrible experience about this was that for the first time in 6 years I thought of self harm and I got so terrified that I just sat in my bed and stared at the ceiling and then drank anxiety medication and then I went back to sleep. Then I woke up feeling guilty about eating so much sugar at 5am but I felt so impressed with myself that I didn’t purge! Whoop whoop hooray! Thinking about self harm though is just too much for me to deal with though – I will admit I am scared I get trapped somehow and I somehow decide to self harm. Literally writing about it makes me feel shaky. I have to trust my heart and feelings and emotions and let them wash over me no matter how they make me feel and I need to just hold the anxiety – just sit with it and just hold it and not fight it.
Had a great gym session and then I started to feel guilty again. I don’t think about my husband anymore and I find that even more depressing than thinking about him. Honestly there are times where I completely forget about him and I just carry on with life and I do things and I focus and I work and I chill and he doesn’t even cross my mind. I walk into a grocery store and see his favourite chocolate – this used to pull at my heart strings, now I just look past it and if I notice it, I just say ‘oh’ and then I keep walking.
Clearly I am moving on which is great! Clearly I am a much stronger and much more resilient human being than I could ever have imagined. Or I am just an awful human being – I don’t know. What I do know however is that I cant sit pondering on it for days. When I see a good looking guy I just go with it and I admire him and if he flirts the I flirt back and I don’t feel guilty at all! So why do I feel guilty for not thinking about my husband anymore.
Whenever people end relationships and soon start playing the field shortly after I always found it shocking. Now I get it. You don’t know what those people are going through, maybe they were stuck in the relationship for months but just didn’t have the courage to get out or maybe they couldn’t get out because of children or money or whatever. And then they got out and they felt so free for the first time in years and feeling free again and feeling like their true selves brought on new memories and new experiences and sometimes new love with new people.
I think because my husband asked for an annulment 5 days after our wedding, I have been mooring the death of our marriage since December 25 – which was Christmas day – my favourite day of the year! Needless to say it was the worst Christmas ever. So in hind sight I need to deal with the guilt and own it and learn that it isn’t actually needed and that it isn’t serving me at all.
I even looked at my wedding photos yesterday and this morning and I smiled. I didn’t feel all the anger and sadness and disappointment. I just smiled at how in love I was and how full of hope I was. It ended and its ok, I always thought I would burn my wedding photos or throw darts at his face or replace his face with a celebrity or something incredibly corny like that. Instead I just smiled at them and don’t even feel sad anymore. I just feel like it was beautiful and it ended and even if he cheapened our whole relationship, there was a time that it was beautiful and there has been so much that I have learned through this. Just looking at the pictures, I feel all the changes, the changes in life and the changes in me.
I’m off to have dinner at my best friends house (the ones I lived with for a month) and also with one of my best friends who actually happened to sing at my wedding. I’m so excited – I realise I turned into a bit of a hermit over the last for years and I still have it in me to turn down invites but now I force myself to attend things because I know I will enjoy them and I always land up enjoying them!
I’m going to go buy my friend a cactus and buy a bottle of wine or two.