It’s been three weeks since I have been to therapy and I think I have done really well. There have been moments where I have got through a dip where I could have handled my emotions in healthier ways but I none the less I am actually impressed with myself.
I have been feeling really good lately but I have been restricting my intake and therefore today felt so weak and so I had a sandwich for lunch. I sat on the stairs at work and took probably 30minutes to eat half a sandwich. This is the give away that I am not doing 100%. I’m suppressing through restriction, the worst thing about it is that I hardly even notice myself restricting anymore, its second nature sometimes. Its a habit that is becoming so hardwired in my mind. My BMI is currently 19.22 so I am still in a healthy range but there is a part of me that so badly wants to get down to 18.5. I however know that as soon as I get to 18.5, that number will become 17 and then 16 and then its a spiral. I should probably throw my scale away.
What I realised today was that meeting this guy who we will name ‘Mr Surprise’ has given me so much hope. However is has also made me incredibly scared. I don’t know if anything will happen but I know that I would like this to transpire. I am petrified though because I still have the mentality that I don’t deserve anything unless I give something and then only am I allowed something in return. If I did something wrong, my husband would always point it out and then name all the wonderful things that he had done for me. My life became ‘an eye for an eye’. If someone did something nice for me I would always immediately do something nice for them. I stopped believing that I deserved to be treated properly and that I was worthy.
But I am worthy and i am allowed to enjoy peoples kindness. You cant only be a good giver, you need to be a good receiver as well. This is what I am trying to teach myself – that I do in fact deserve to be treated with love and kindness. Instead when someone is loving towards me I get scared that they will stop once I disappoint them and then I restrict.
So now I have to start a food journal, which I hate. A. Because its such a mission writing everything you eat and the way you feel 3 times a day and B. Because recovery food journals make me feel like a sick person. Which is ridiculous, because the journal is what I need to prevent myself from becoming physically sick.
Anyway things with my divorce are going slow, nothing has really happened. I did email my lawyer today so hopefully we will hear back soon.