Wake up in a good mood, good morning meeting with my boss and then sadness starts to slowly creep in. So sneaky. Whenever I am feeling blue at work and I am feeling uneasy, I either go for a walk around the block or I sit in my car and stare or I go for a short drive and listen to music and I try figure out the triggers and feel the feelings. I’m terrible when it comes to feeling difficult emotions, I rather just push them out my mind or I indulge in some form of destructive behaviour. Therefore I really have to make an effort to sit with my thoughts and just them come and just deal with the anxiety and hold it.
I realised today that I was homesick. You live with someone in your house for 3 years, it becomes your home – even if the last months I didn’t feel at home in my own home – its still my home. I was home sick today, it took me a really long time to identify this. I miss my dog Jessie, I miss taking her for runs and hugging her, if I had known that I would one day longer get to be her mom anymore – I would have hugged her so much more and I would have taken her for even more runs, and I would have bought her even more toys. I sat in my car crying because I miss my dog, she was my husbands dog when we met and then she became mine for four years.
I know it seems so bizarre as I should probably be crying about my husband. The thing is that the past 8 months it was me and Jessie. My husband worked all the time, so I literally feel like it was the two of us holding our family together. He stopped running because he was so busy with his phd so he never had time – so Jessie and I ran. There were times, especially in March and April when I would wake up early in the mornings just to get out of the house, just so I could cry, and thats when we went and we ran.
I honestly feel like it was my dog and I fighting my eating disorder, it was the two of us that kept our family alive and it was Jessie and I that spent our evenings together when he worked until late and it was the two of us that had breakfast together because he was sleeping because he only went to bed at four or because he was smoking weed or drinking the night before. During my relapse I made an effort to try and be kind to myself and not beat myself up, almost every night I would have candle lit baths and a glass of wine, secretly wishing my husband would open the door and actually surprise me by coming home early when he promised he would. Instead it was me in the candle light with a glass of wine listening to a killer playlist and Jessie next to the bath sleeping on the carpet.
Grieving the loss of my dog makes me feel completely ridiculous I must admit. I am however happy about the fact that I actually cried for the first time in a while, I was starting to panic that I had become numb to it all. I think this is the phase I am in at the moment, fleeting memories and feelings that just keep creeping up from time to time. I used to feel like I was living this divorce 24/7, now I have moments and hours where it doesn’t even cross my mind.
Tonight is my best friends birthday party and I am really excited but this mood I am in right now is just so dampening. I however know that the minute I walk into her home all will be fine, because my friends and family are my happy place and my rock.