He was the man of my dreams until he wasn’t and thats ok too – Day 4

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After a wonderful evening yesterday, the love just continued. I had to work this morning, but it wasn’t too bad. Then at about 14h00 met up with my parents at their hotel and spent the rest of the afternoon drinking gin and tonics with them.

Of course had too many, and by too many I mean I had two – because I’m a cheap drink. Parents stayed by the pool and I went to nap in their hotel room. Its about 6 weeks ago when I went away with them for a few days. My dad had booked a trip for us in January already. It was going to be the four of us. Mom, Dad, me and my husband. We were all looking forward to it so, until we just weren’t. I landed up going on the trip with my uncle as my date instead. (He was much better company than my husband by the way lol)

I was so emotionally distraught, mentally broken down and physically exhausted that I spent most of our trip sleeping. Of course this holiday was booked with the thought of couples in mind, so my uncle landed up sleeping in the luxury bedroom and I landed up on the couch. However the one night I felt a bit ill and I was so tired that I slept in my parents bedroom and told them to wake me when they wanted to sleep and I would return to the couch. I woke up at 6am the next morning in their bed, cozy and warm, stretched out like a snow angel and I found them sleeping on the couch 🙂 and that is what love is.

Today getting a little drunk with my mom and explaining to her how important it is to take control of your fears and live in the moment, while giggling and slurring. And my mom telling me that all you have to do in this life is be yourself. And her giggling at my ridiculousness and telling me that she loves me so much. Thats love.

Chatting about fun times we had with my husband – thats love. Like the time we had a hippie party and all wore tie dye and he got so drunk and passed out on the couch and we all put toys on him and drew on him. That was fun. Thats the guy we remember. Having amazing dinners with and deep conversations and watching him follow his dreams. His brilliant mind and intelligence and his ability to care so much for the less fortunate and his drive to make the world a better place. We remember the fun loving man that he was and still is. And thats love.

Life is so fickle. I’ve had a few people tell me that they never truly liked him and they also thought things weren’t right. But that is complete bullshit. We all loved him and no one saw this coming. Why be mean? Why destroy the person just because they didn’t turn out to be what you had wanted and hoped for and loved. Why all of a sudden did my in laws split the other way and realise that they never liked me anyway. They all knew this would happen.

I’ll never ever forget the day – 6 April 2015 – literally five months ago. We were in the mountains and it was spectacular. The most beautiful water falls, the lush green mountains. My mother in law and I went for a hike – because no one ever wanted to hike with her might I add because no one wanted to wait for her – so I always walked and hiked with her on holidays. We had such a special time. she spoke about it for weeks after. We sat on the veranda of the most quaint cottage in the world and she said to me ‘The first time you came to our house, I just knew, I just knew that you were the best thing that had ever happened to my son, I knew you were his soul mate’! My heart smiled and so did hers. My husband was in his room working and being fucking moody as he always is around his family. And I hung out with his parents – we bonded and we connected.

And now I wonder how she feels about that day? Did she know? Did she look into my eyes and blatantly lie, or was that what she truly believed at that moment. At that moment did she think that I was a spoilt little girl, ungrateful and indulged, not intellectual enough? At that moment in the mountains in that quaint little cabin, did she know that she would be accusing me of having an affair just 5 months later, did she know her sons soul mate was emotionally unstable and that she was vain and self absorbed? I wonder what she was feeling in her heart at that moment.

Strangely enough. I still love her. Yes she caused so much fucking emotional turmoil for her son, but I still love her. I still respect her because she raised that family. She raised those children when her husband was absent. She gave her all to those children and to her husband. History repeats itself. In my marriage, I kept our family going, I gave it everything. It was never enough, I never fitted in and I felt so alone in the marriage but I gave it my all. Just like my mother in law did. She is such an incredibly strong woman. Was she a total back stabbing two faced bitch these last few months? Yes she was. Do I hate her for it? No I do not. She was being the best mom and her best self and she was supporting her son and she needed to pin the blame on someone. They all did. That whole family did. They needed to hate someone and blame someone for hurting their perfect son (who by the way needed serious mental help in July -those were her exact words to my mother). But none the less she stood by her family and I will always admire her for her strength in her marriage and for keeping that family together, even if it turned out toxic, she kept them together and she built that family up from the ground. I will forever remember her for the strong woman that she is.

Author: gettingmyheartbrokengenerally

If you asked what I do in my spare time I'd answer... Getting my heart broken generally. Running a business, navigating into my 30's with incredible family and friends. Where I am now, 4 years after divorce, travel and relationships.

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