Why do we crucify ourselves?
My heart is sick of being in chains.
Part II was supposed to start off on such a positive note. Instead it started with binge purge in the morning, 8km run, and then a nap.
I’ve wanted to leave this life. No, I don’t want to die, but I definitely wouldn’t mind leaving for a while. Today I had an awful morning and then I had brunch and it was lovely and then it was awful. I hid out today. I hid from the world today and I stopped feeling today and I gave into the numbness and I gave into the sorrow. The funny thing about sorrow (not that there is anything funny about sorrow), is that it doesn’t always wear the mask that you expect it to. It isn’t always lying on the floor crying and it isn’t always feeling depressed – sometimes sorrow is staring for two hours and being blank and sometimes its distraction of any form.
Today it was binge and purge. Today it was my dark side, and I remained there all day. Today I was numb and I didn’t care. I honestly just didn’t give a fuck about life at all. SHOCK! HORROR! People think I am incredibly strong and resilient and wise and positive – well yes I am resilient. But I also have a very negative side to me – my dark side, and no one will ever take me away from my dark side. We all have that side, some darker than others. And don’t think because you have not seen someones dark side that they don’t have one – oh trust me they do. We all do. My gran used to call it the little devil on your shoulder. Thats your little dark side that crucifies you. Literally, it turns the lights off.
Your dark side sits and criticises you until you are stripped bare. The dark side makes you feel so much hurt that your heart feels it is going to explode and that dark side also makes you feel nothing. When you are so broken and you force the tears and they don’t come. You hanging out with your dark side my friend.
My dark side and I bonded today. Thoughts of self harm, hatred, depression, regret and all things poison.
Misery is company.
Is it healthy to have days like this? I don’t think so. Days to mourn and days to cry and be sad and days to feel sorry for yourself are necessary. Days where the dark side of depression kicks in and you allow it – I don’t think these days are healthy.
I will honestly try to sit with the dark side next time and feel the thoughts instead of pushing them away. I have to try and learn to live with that dark side and just be present in it. No one deserves to be there.