When you gonna love you as much as I do – Day 3

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My mom and dad are here and its my uncles wedding and it was wonderful!

I had a long heart to heart with my mum and I am feeling so much better now. I think I was living in lahlah land for a while when they were gone. Then when they got back from Paris I had to discuss lawyers again and divorce and therapy and I think I just felt vulnerable again.

While they were gone I tried to convince myself that I was doing really well because I had to. I find it hard to just open up and speak to my friends about everything, they support me with the divorce and they are incredible, but my parents are really the only two people I am completely comfortable opening up to about my eating disorder. So when they got back I just crumbled again.

Strangely its not even about my husband anymore.

It’s now become a soul searching journey. It’s about me. I cry because I am sad about the eating disorder and the medication and the therapy. It makes me sad that I am on medication – I try to not let it get to me but it does. When I skipped a few days and it effected me I felt sad. I guess I just wish I was strong enough to have to use the therapy and medication as help. Which is ridiculous because I am going through something so challenging so I deserve the help.
I know its just my husbands voice in my head telling me that I am weak. He loved to tell me to toughen up.

I guess its a constant effort to love ourselves and be in love with ourselves. I honestly don’t think it comes naturally to any of us. Its a work in progress, day to day and second to second we make ourselves number one and we follow our hearts. It will become easier as times goes by as you become stronger. I mean 6 months ago I would never have been able to stand up for myself, or make up my mind, or love me. Now I work at it daily. Its hard and its raw and its grey and its sometimes so challenging, but I keep trying.

The picture is of my dad and I on our way to my wedding 🙂 I love it so much! I’m however not ready to show face yet lol

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