When your job resembles your failed marriage – Day 11

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How much fun is this…woke up and got paid my old salary. Had to give my boss a lift to work (yes my boss gets rides with me every now and then and yes I know how ridiculous that sounds), sat driving and she was chatting away and I honestly wanted to punch her in the face.

I thought not to bring it all up while I was literally fuming. I felt the need to calm down and not get anxious and emotional and then make things even worse!

As the day progressed it did get worse. Then I wanted to start screaming and punching walls I was so annoyed. She texted me constantly about really stupid crap that we have discussed numerous times. She always sends me about 15 messages in a row and contradicts herself in all of them and changes her mind in every single one of them – so I always ignore them and then eventually read them when I have the strength to decode what she is trying to say.

She told me today that I often don’t follow through with projects – which is true, I am an absolute starter and not a finisher, I have to put in a conscious effort to finish. So I wasn’t even offended by this, I was incredibly pissed off however because twice now we have scheduled a meeting and she has conveniently ‘forgotten’ and then there is my tax situation that she has been sorting out for literally two years now. Then there is the cell phone allowance and the fuel allowance that she also conveniently ‘forgets’ to pay.

Of course there are the empty promises…

I have not started my handbag line because it keeps getting put on hold. I have not received my raise that was for the end of September? I am still not receiving my cell phone and fuel allowance so there goes my money spent on growing her fucking business! Oh and then there is the fact that I would become partner in the business – next minute – she says ‘you know the business has no money so there really isn’t much point in even becoming partner’ – WELL thats comforting…

So I am paying to work for her. I honestly feel that I am not growing. I am stagnating like old water that you forget in your car because it rolled under the seat. Sadly I am so loyal to her – I love her and I love the brand, I am however not loyal to myself…because I am choosing her over me.

Sooo….

For the past week or so I have spontaneously been looking out for new jobs every now and then and then today shit got real. I stalked the internet for job vacancies and I will be doing so tomorrow as well.

This is so bold…

On Monday I want to hand in my four weeks notice ‘fml, way to cause myself an anxiety attack’. Is this the most responsible thing to do? Well no not at all, you cant leave a job into unemployment thats just silly. I however cannot sit in another situation where someone I love gets put before me and when that particular person and I start to destroy our relationship and destroy each other as people all because we didn’t know how to call it quits. We have the same arguments and the same fights over and over again. She is not going to fulfil her empty promises and I am not going to ever be ok with that and I have lost all motivation and feel that I don’t have the strength to carry on and that is unfair to her and to the business.

This is the year of risks…

It is also the year of being fearless and just saying Fuck it – whats the worst that could happen. If I dont get a job I will start my handbag collection. Literally sell my wedding rings and they will give birth to my own handbag collection. And if that takes off then fantastic and if that fails – then I will work for my aunt or someone or I will start waitressing or something and that will not be the end of the world. The end of the world is fucking stagnating.

I would rather have the whole world against me than my own soul.

I know things get rough, but when they get rough and you cant climb your way out of the roughness then its time to get up and walk away. I am not ever going to work and work and work myself to the bone to keep something going when I know that in my heart it is over.

Mark my words – I will survive off the knuckles of my fingers if need be – but I will not stagnate!

On a fun note – I got so fed up with work that I left at 3pm and then I went to buy a smoothie maker and then came home at 5pm and had wine and made dinner and now I am in bed already at 7pm and I will fall asleep shortly and tomorrow will be lovely.

Good night xxx

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Be kind – Day 9

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My husband still emails me daily – still about how I saved him and I saved his life and I have helped him and I am special and so on and so forth. He still however cannot risk bumping into him as it will break him – only once he feels ready and his therapist agrees that he is ready will he see me. OK…

Binged on brownies around 9am and restricted all day.

Be kind to yourself.

Be gentle with yourself.

All you need to get through a divorce and eating disorder recovery is retail therapy, a hairbrush to sing into, a box of tissues, insane amounts of chocolate, people who love you and self love and acceptance – Day 8

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I bought a new watch today 🙂 so excited and new shoes and a new handbag and a new skirt that I have had my eye on for weeks but its soooo expensive and now it was on sale whoop whoop and now I am broke :0

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I also bought a Selena Gomez album – so I feel like a 13 year old girl that constantly wants to sing into her hairbrush – its light and its fluffy and its fun – and that is white I need right now

So I am getting a bit tubby. Not even exaggerating here- jeans feeling tight and boobs growing, getting tubby. Its because I don’t go to gym daily anymore and because of the recent binging and purging. Bulimia is such a bitch – I mean seriously, she tries to convince you that you can purge the calories, but when you having gluttonous binges, there is no way you getting rid of all that food. So ironically, contrary to popular belief, you are not skinny if you have an eating disorder. I actually am at my heaviest when I indulge in destructive bulimic habits, when I restrict I’m obviously thinner, and at my goal weight and then I am healthy I am at my set point weight. I think recovery is about accepting your set point weight. The weight where your body is healthy and comfortable.

Health first…weight second

I’ve literally had half a bottle of wine all by myself…

So I’m a little anxious of course.

I did however eat all my meals today and I made myself a salmon salad for dinner and then I polished off half a slab of 99% Lindt dark chocolate. Yes I am that person, that has a whole slab of dark chocolate. And thats ok. I also then had a bowl of muesli and thats ok too.

Be kind to yourself Danielle, be kind.

Better – Day 7

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Today was better.

I went to work, ate a tub of brownies, a chocolate and a pack of mini doughnuts and a chocolate milkshake.

I didn’t purge.

I didn’t hate myself.

I shrugged it off and I carried on working.

I went to his house in the afternoon and we had some friends over and we drank wine and we sat in the jacuzzi. I wore a bikini the same day that a massive binge occurred and I just sat there and chatted and he held me and thats all I felt, I felt his strong arms and I was seeing stars and it all didn’t matter. I even ate dinner and after dinner we shared ice cream.

I binged and I did not restrict.

I forgave myself and I kept nourishing my body.

This is what eating disorder therapy looks like – Day 6

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I woke up feeling so funny this morning.

I literally didn’t leave my house because I was so horrified that I would go out and buy food and binge and purge! I woke up in a complete panic, so anxious and so edgy and I still don’t know why? So I had a bowl of muesli and yogurt and I had anxiety medication and went to sleep and then woke up at 10:30 – that hasn’t happened in forever. I’m an early bird.

Still so anxious when I woke up, I decided to paint – I was freaking out, honestly I ave never been so afraid of myself and of my eating disorder. I lay on my floor crying, crying because I am here again. Yes we all go on and on about how a relapse is perfectly natural as your body will naturally resort to familiar coping mechanisms when under pressure. But who gives a fuck if its natural, it doesn’t make it any easier. And we all sit preaching to each other to stay strong and to be gentle with ourselves. Well again, thats a lot easier said than done. We would all love to be softer and not be so hard on ourselves, but your eating disorder is screaming with a microphone in your brain and your voice seems to just get lost and becomes white noise.

And you just lay there and you just cry. Because you feel like such a failure. So much work, so much pain and so many years and so many hospital visits and so many therapists and so many dieticians and so many pills and so many electrolyte tests. Then one day you wake up and half your life is gone and you feel so guilty because you should actually be crying because you got divorced yet that makes you feel so relieved! Its this illness that weighs you down, it hurts you more than any heartbreak in this world could and now you back there again. Maybe you not wearing the hospital wrist band with your surname on it, but you might as well be, because you feel like you back there. You sitting with everyone outside and everyone is smoking and you all discussing the reason you in the hospital and Pedro is shaking because his OCD is so intense at that moment that he so badly wants a drink and Colleen has closed the curtain around her bed and tells you through the curtains that on her weekend pass she tried to commit suicide and now she is too ashamed to even peak through the curtain at you. Remember that annoying old man that kept telling you to smile, fuck him, he was so annoying. Then there’s Chelsea, where is Chelsea now?

I’ll never forget booking into hospital and Chelsea was sitting there and my brother said ‘she looks pretty normal, you gonna be fine! And I’ll come visit you all the time, and these two weeks are going to go by so fast, its all going to be fine’. Chelsea smiled and I smiled – that smile where you saying to each other ‘I wonder why you here, but I don’t even care, because I know we here together and I know we going to get through this and I know both of us are trying so hard to pretend we normal and this isn’t the weirdest situation we have ever been in.’ We became friends. She had awful depression, which is strange because she was so pretty. And thats what people think, you so pretty how can you be sad. Well thats discrimination against ugly people.

So you have these thoughts and you think about all your friends and you wonder, why are some of us as deep as a well and some of us have the emotional range of a teaspoon? So you lay crying and you think of the morning that you cut for the first time in six years and you feel so ashamed, and then you wonder; did he see the scars, surely he has seen the scars on your thigh, or maybe he just looks right past them because you just own them and you for the first time in years just decided that you didn’t even care if someone saw the scars. Its just scars, we all have scars, whether they on your skin or your heart, they all there.

But we all so scared all the time, we so scared that someone is going to find out what incredibly flawed individuals we are. We just so anxious and we actually like fucking zombies and we just so ridiculous because we all so consumed with worrying what someone else will think – Well guess what: everyone is freaking out just like you are and if someone doesn’t want to see your flaws then show them to someone else.

So now I lay here on my floor and I paint whilst doing eating disorder therapy and crying and writing – because sometimes you are just so scatter brained that you cant even do one thing, your mind is all over the place so you might as well just do things all over the place and mess paint on the carpet and cry tears into your painting because thats what life is, its being fucking real and raw. Its being a wreck and then the next minute thinking you so lame because life is actually awesome, its all over the place. Life is everywhere and its no where.

Then I repeated this cycle over and over again. Then went to buy some art supplies and made the mistake of buying a mcflurry because I don’t know how to stop the anxiety so you eat it and naturally freak out, and bulimia keeps nudging and says ‘ice cream is so easy to purge’ just do it. So you do it because you know that once you get that release you will release all of that anxiety – and again you find yourself in that familiar place, your hair tied back and eyes blood shot and you have stabbing pains in your chest but you just keep going. The sickest part is that you literally think to yourself ‘ice cream is so easy to purge, have to remember this for next time, so much easier than purging chocolate”, I mean really, how fucked up are you when you think those thoughts? How ashamed are you, why do you have this incredibly unattractive illness? Why cant you just have OCD or something like that, why do you have this ravenous illness that takes over your body. Why are you so fucked up?

YOU NOT! You are not fucked up for thinking those thoughts. You have an illness and thats ok, the mere fact that you have recognised this and are working on it is all that matters. Thats what we all tell each other right? My old instagram account that was dedicated to my recovery, all my followers and me would always comment ‘dont be so hard on yourself, stay strong, keep fighting, you are worthy of recovery’ and so on and so forth. But none of us believe it when it comes to our own hearts and souls. We continue abusing our bodies because A. It’s not as easy as it sounds to just recover; and B. Because its so much easier to take the easy route and listen to your eating disorder than to actually fight it and fight the voice, and challenge it and challenge the fears and the feelings!

But like I always say, there is nothing sexier than personal growth. Absolutely nothing, except maybe a good perfume or cologne or a great shade of red lipstick, other than that personal growth is sexy and its raw and its real.

And we all hypocrites and we all dishing out advice to each other and we all seem wise, well we are all wise, just in different ways, I guess its up to you to decide who you showing this to. Who are you going to be your raw self with and when are you going to be scared and horrified and cry and sob and feel sorry for yourself and just be open and just say ‘I’m a human and I’m flawed and I want to be perfect but I cant be and thats fine and its also not fine at the same time because thats human nature’. We all so freaking flawed and we just trying to be perfect.

Well guess what – everyone always thinks I’m perfect because for some reason I am the most resilient human being on planet earth, I mean really – give me a grenade thats about to kill me and I’ll probably find something creative to do with it. Thats just me. But you, you resilient as well, you just have to show it and stop hiding and stop being scared and stop isolating yourself! And how ironic – here I go, dishing out advice, because we all fucking hypocrites.

Doing eating disorder therapy all night

Secret Sunrise – Day 5

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Woke up at 5:30am and went to meet my friend Andrew to have orange juice and champagne and then we wen to ‘the secret sunrise party’. It was epic. Literally a bunch of people in the early morning wearing headphones doing yoga and dancing and drinking organic freshly squeezed juice. It was incredible, the best way to start the morning!

Then I got my divorce summons and scanned all the documents and sent them to my lawyer – so got the ball rolling!

My husband emailed me this morning a whole bunch of things. Receiving the summons made me feel a little guilty – once again because I actually am doing really well with the divorce and he is struggling so much. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty because I suffered and was depressed for 8 months and I really struggled during our marriage that I now actually feel relieved that its all over…sitting here now I feel that I don’t need to feel guilt or pain anymore. It doesn’t serve me at all. I feel that its over and I have moved on and thats ok.

I am feeling so content at the moment.

I really feel so at peace – like I can move on. Like the struggle is over and things are looking up again and I am finding myself again.

I paint my nails now and I wear lipstick almost every day – this may not seem like a big deal, but its a huge deal. My husband used to get so upset when I would do these things because he said I was looking for attention.

I feel so very free today.