Ok so you know when you invite your friend over for a quiet dinner and then you faced with a really important decision. Should you open another bottle of wine?
We decided yes, and then we ate a tub of ice cream and then we went to another friends house and had another two bottles of wine – and so today was an epic fail. I slept for two hours last night and my head was so sore I honestly felt like crying all day. Because I am such a control freak I was also obviously very disappointed in myself and was judging myself non stop.
But! I went to therapy today and my therapist was so great and so proud of me for getting shit faced on a random Tuesday night and just letting go and losing control 🙂 and I think I needed it. I needed to just go and just be and just not worry about everything and just live in the moment.
Also, again, I have to make a constant effort and remind myself that I am worthy and that I deserve to be happy. My happiness doesn’t ever have to be justified, it just is, its a basic right that I have. Sometime during the past 25 years something must have happened to ingrain in my mind that everything needs to be justified when it comes to me. I never justify anything with other people – I think everyone should just be and everyone deserves to be happy. I however can only be happy for a certain reason and my happiness needs to be justified for some reason. Nonsense! Just the way my eating disorder works, its an eye for eye. I am only allowed to eat if I work out and I am only allowed to eat certain foods for certain reasons and alcohol counts as a lot of calories so I need to choose between the two. And because I didn’t go to the gym today I am somehow now not good anymore. Nothing makes us good and nothing makes us worthy. We are worthy. We all are, no matter what.
I deserve every shred of love and happiness in this life and I am going to find it where ever the hell I please and embrace it.
I am literally starting to feel young again – like a 25 year old should. I feel so free and I have hardly any structure in my life, its incredibly overwhelming at times yet very liberating. I am always free when my friends want to hang out and I can eat chocolate for dessert without worrying about what I ma going to make my husband for dinner. Also one of my favourite things is that I can actually drink in my own house without worrying that my husband will binge drink on my expensive wine. And the other day I smoked cigarettes for like the first time in about 3 years and whilst it was disgusting it was so thrilling! And everyone is shocked as to why I find life so fascinating – but its because I am me again and I don’t have to be responsible for anyone but me.
I sadly became my husbands care taker – his therapist even told him he could never get back together with him because I am actually his care taker, and I am the mature and responsible one. Which is so true because I stopped having fun because I always had to look after him and worry about his sensitive soul and his feelings – and I loved this – I will not lie, I really did love looking after him which is strange I suppose. I now however only have to be responsible for me, and we all do. We can only be responsible for ourselves.
So now its all over so maybe we should all be quiet about it.