Don’t let your struggle become your identity – Day 14

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So as yesterday progressed it actually just got worse. I came home early because I was feeling ill and I took a nap and then I woke up anxious. I landed up eating 3 bowls of muesli and yogurt. I just sat crying and binging but I didn’t purge. I was crying because I felt like such a failure, the fact that my bulimia is acting up again. The fact that I am back here. 6 years ago I fought so hard to beat this and now I am back here. I hadn’t binged and purged in 4 months and then it slowly starting creeping back up. Fuck off.

The ironic thing is that I have been engrossed in my eating disorder all this time, since February. Just because I didn’t binge and purge for a good while doesn’t mean it wasn’t there. I was restricting and I was over exercising and I was weighing myself. Its just that I waver between the anorexic tendencies and the bulimic tendencies and I flit between the two and when I am in the restricting phase I am at my happiest because then I feel proud of myself and I feel in control.

Last night I binged – I hardly ever purge anymore because I am too scared – so I am gaining weight, and thats just a whole other issue it itself. I binged on yogurt and granola because I am at that point now where anything will do. I literally sat over a bowl binging and crying – in hindsight I was probably eating my tears as well. Such a mess.

Then he called and I didn’t answer because how on earth was I going to answer a his call crying and binging and wallowing in a pit. So I called him back a few moments later and he knew something was up and so he came over and her held me and it was wonderful. He knows about the disorder but I am not sure if he understands it and understands all that it entails. Still he was so very supportive and basically told me to stop being so hard on myself – I need to be more gentle on my myself. It was so warm and safe lying in his arms. I wanted to open up even more about my eating disorder but I was ashamed. When I am in the binge and purge cycle I get so ashamed of myself. Bulimia really isn’t the most attractive illness to have – its fucking disgusting actually. So How do you just blurt that out to someone 😦 without having the fear that they will judge you – especially when you have been judged. Yet it is incredibly unfair on anyone for me to think that, because everyone has their own views and I know that I need to give people a chance instead of just assuming that they won’t understand.

Back in April after trying to pluck up the courage for 2 months – when I told my husband that my eating disorder had returned he was so lovely and supportive. About a month later however when I started to get really bad anxiety and I really started to struggle he told me he couldn’t believe I was dumping this (my eating disorder and depression) on him. He was busy with his phd and that was all he could focus on and then I went and dumped my relapse on him?

When I told my parents about the relapse and that I was on medication and in therapy it was already June. The first thing my mom said, was why didn’t he tell us and why didn’t he reach out and ask for support. Well because he thought I was self absorbed and vain and attention seeking. So I went to therapy alone and did recovery on my own. I once asked him to help me with a workbook (hope,help and healing for eating disorders by Gregory Jantz – I highly recommend it), because they suggest you do it will someone that can be on your side – he however blatantly said no and had a strange giggle when saying it too.

This is part of why I am so scared to open up to people about my eating disorder and also because I am so ashamed of myself when I am stuck in this phase of this disorder. Like I mentioned before – when I am restricting I am so much better. Today I have eaten rally well and I had an apple only for lunch and an orange for snack and I was in a great mood because not eating is good, and eating is bad. That is how my day works – how much food I consumed. I honestly wish the day would come where I just ate intuitively and there was no panic and anxiety around food.

I want to go to a restaurant and see something that I like and order it, no matter how unhealthily it is and no matter how many calories it is. Now instead I am known as the one that always takes long to decide what to eat at a restaurant all because I am deciphering every single dish and deciding whether I am allowed to eat it or not.

This is exhausting.

Going out with friends tonight which I am looking forward to and then hopefully we’ll see him for dinner afterwards.

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