Guilt plagues me – Day 15

goldfish jumping out of the water

Fuck you eating disorder. I’ve been diagnosed with EDNOS – anorexic tendencies and binge purge subtype and obsessive exercising. Guilt and shame. Feeling like I don’t deserve anything. Anorexia stop saying I don’t deserve love and I don’t deserve food. Bulimia stop telling me that you are the only one that is there for me, you are the only one that can comfort me.

Stop making me want to isolate myself and get caught up in this web. This illness thrives in secrecy. I just want to hide in it but i actually want someone to hold me and tell me they understand that as bizarre as this is, they understand the crisis that it is.

I have to call my mom and tell her that I am not doing well but I feel so guilty. I feel so sorry that I am doing this to myself and that I am doing this to them. I don’t want them to be concerned and I don’t want them to worry. They have done so much for me, they have supported me in so many ways. I feel that I just keep failing and failing and that they need to pick up the pieces. I know that recovery is a team based approach and I know I cant do it myself and my family knows this too. I however just cant bring myself to open up to them.

Therapy is so expensive, I really cant afford it on my own anymore and again I feel terrible to ask my parents for help because they have done so much for me already.

Guilt just plagues me. I feel guilty when someone is nice to me and I feel guilty when someone gives me something. Again because that is the way my husband treated me, every nice thing he did for me was mentioned over and over again in a way as to say ‘I do so much for you and you do nothing for me’. So now Guilt plagues me. I panic when someone is kind towards me because I think I need to give them something in return and I also think that while they might be doing something nice – they might switch to a completely different person in seconds.

So the cycle went like this today. I spent the night with him and it was wonderful and we had a wonderful morning. He is wonderful and he is so special and has such an amazing heart and is so sensitive and supportive. When I stare into his eyes I look at him looking at me and I know he understands. Then I get shy when he just looks at me and admires me. We lay in each others arms hugging each other tight and I picked out his suit for the day. It was perfect.

Get to work smiling from ear to ear and slowly this voice starts creeping in and I start to panic because A. I feel insecure, because I am horrified of the unknown and being out of control and having no idea where this relationship is going, I just want it to go on and on. And then B. There is my own inner disordered voice chiming in that I don’t deserve anything good C. There is guilt because I really love being with him but I feel like I am a mess that he doesn’t have to clean up. And the most ridiculous part of all of this is that I will support him until the end and I will hold him and I will walk with him through anything.

Ironically when I am with him – I am me, I am so confident around him and I am so inspired by him and I just want to be vulnerable and open and unguarded. When I am with him I feel calm and I feel strong enough to conquer anything and I am present and I am in the moment with him.

But then the anxiety starts and so I want to binge and purge because I am feeling overwhelmed and out of control and guilty and I cant seem to just let go and I am anxious. Then of course my good friend bulimia doesn’t want to be left out and she assures me that no matter what happens she will always be there to comfort me. So off I go and I spend an insane amount of money that is literally going to end up in the toilet – Literally! I struggle with the emotions and I am scared because I feel I am weak and the disorder is so much stronger than me. I am disappointed in myself and I am scared to disappointment my family. Im standing in the queue with the sugary treats – always sugar. And I am so anxious and scared and my eyes slowly start to tear but I of course keep it in.

I binge and purge in the mall. What the fuck? And I just binge, all I want in that moment is for someone to hug me and squeeze me so tight and tell me its ok, I’m ok, everything is ok. But I am too scared to show this dirty secret of mine so I don’t reach out – because once again – how awkward is that phone call ‘Hi so and so – ummm I really want to b/p please help me’. I guess I don’t even have to tell the person that I want to b/p, I can just say I am anxious, strangely enough I am a sucky liar about this. So I just binge and I push all those feelings away and I am on auto pilot and it is an out of body experience and I have completely disassociated from myself. The shell of Danielle is on the floor binging and purging but I am looking in – I’m not actually doing this. It happens so quickly and then I am so calm. Then the guilt and the shame attacks and then I purge – again I am watching myself purge and I feel helpless because I feel that there is nothing I can do to stop this from happening. And then the ocean of calm. I feel how flat my stomach is and I decide if I have purged enough. And I relax for a few moments because my eyes are blood shot and my heart is beating and my stomach hurts.

Then its over. Just like that. I rinse out my mouth and splash my face with water I am calm and life continues as if nothing happened. And everyone continues to tell me what a strong and resilient young woman I am. And all I am is a fraud. I’m like everyone out there. We all have our stuff and we have our demons – my demon just had to show itself in a very sick manner – none the less we all have our demons.

Everyone is walking around looking pretty and we look in control when we really all just winging it.

So I didn’t do that great today. But I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and I will keep fighting and I will keep moving on and staying strong.

I am amazed that in 10 days time PARTII of 25days of divorce will be over. A friend of mine asked the other day when I think I actually started over and accepted what happened and owned the past and moved on. It was day 2 of PARTI. When I moved into my own room, thats when it hit me – there was no going back – I am only going forward. And that is exactly how it is with my eating disorder – I am moving forward, even if it doesn’t feel that way, every day is a day closer to recovery and every day I get closer to being free. No matter how despondent I feel right now, no matter the fact that I feel this illness will never leave me – I know deep down I will conquer this.

Author: gettingmyheartbrokengenerally

If you asked what I do in my spare time I'd answer... Getting my heart broken generally. Running a business, navigating into my 30's with incredible family and friends. Where I am now, 4 years after divorce, travel and relationships.

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