My therapist and I have chatted about my abandonment issues but we dug deep enough yet and we’ll have to extensively dealing with this issue. I am not sure where it stemmed from. I don’t know if started when I was a child. Maybe it was the fact that I went to boarding school at the age of 6? Maybe it was because when I was 16 I fell in love and the relationship ended and I felt abandoned? Maybe its just ingrained in me. Of course this year I felt completely abounded by my husband – naturally this was one of my main triggers that lead to my relapse.
Being abandoned obviously makes me feel that I am not good enough and that I am not worthy. Because I didn’t experience unconditional love from my husband, I learned that when you did something wrong you were punished. We started to plan a trip one night that we had been meaning to go on for a while, and we had a massive fight – I hardly remember what it was about – the next morning however he said ‘don’t even think we going on the trip anymore after last night’. That was punishment for not acting in a way that he wanted me to.
So now I go through a cycle and phases of rewards and punishment and not feeling worthy and feeling that I don’t deserve unconditional love. Not feeling good enough always being scared that I will not measure up or I will disappoint someone or someone will all of a sudden turn their back on me. Thats the anxiety of eating disorders sigh…
I slept over at his place last night and it was so lovely! We had such a wonderful time – as I always do with him. This morning I really did not want to leave, not because I wanted to spend the day with him (that would have been amazing) but because I always get scared that I will never see him again. Maybe that is why I am always so present with him. Thinking back now, I was exactly the same with my first love – i never wanted to leave him because I feared he would abandon me – which he did. Anyway it seems that this is a pattern. And it is one of the biggest triggers for my eating disorder.
So on my way to work I binged and then I cried and then I was so upset with myself. Then I gave myself a stern talking to and tried to be gentle with myself. Its ok to stuff up and its ok to have these slip ups and I cant beat myself up about them. Yes in my mind, binging or eating more than I had planned seems like an actual crisis – but when I sit and look at the bigger picture – all it is is part of my life plan. There is obviously so much growth that I am going through and that I am meant to be going through at this very moment to make me become the best version of myself. I guess that this is what I need to keep remember. It is what it is, in hindsight maybe this is where I am supposed to be right now.
I spoke to my mom yesterday and to my dad today and told them that my eating habits are out of control and I want to go back to therapy weekly and they were so supportive, they said they would help me out financially. This does make me feel a little bit useless, but it doesn’t matter if I need help right now, its allowed and I deserve it. Plus I was so scared to open up to them and tell them that I wasn’t 100% but when I did they were amazing and encouraged me to go to therapy and applauded me for making a move and recognising that I am slipping and that I am doing something before it spirals out of control – so that was so lovely. Its so weird that I have abandonment issues when I have the most fantastic family in the world.
I can feel my body getting a little bit pudgy and its difficult to deal with and this is ironically one of my main triggers for binging. When I don’t feel good about my body I often land up binging. So I have to feel good in my own skin but I find it so incredibly hard when I am in this cycle. I have to learn that there will be moments where my body doesn’t look or feel the way I want and thats ok.
My body is a mere shell and when I die one day I don’t want to be lying on my death bed knowing that cake was for a celebration and not reason for a mental breakdown. That I enjoyed my friends and families company instead of being horrified of a slice of pizza. I want to know that I lived and I danced and I ran because it was healthy and it made me feel alive, not because I had to burn calories or make up for indulging. I want to live knowing that my body is a miracle and that being healthy and being able to skip and jump makes me so fortunate. That my body is a temple and the only place I have to live and what it looks like is not the driving force, its how much I embrace it. I want to know that I felt and I cried and I pleaded with life to be kinder instead of pushing my emotions away and destroying and punishing myself for not being perfect. I want to live and know that I have lived. I want to let go and I want to be free. I want to live. And if living means that right now I have to endure these struggles then that is what I have to embrace. That I am living and learning and growing and that I am on the path to love and freedom.