Sorry but I’m not sorry – Day 20

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My ex husband just called me.

We actually had a really great chat for about an hour, we laughed about things and we chatted about all sorts of things. He still believes in my soul (whatever that is supposed to mean) and he will also do anything for me because he owes me. His life has changed, losing me was the worst thing that has ever happened to him and through this he has discovered himself. His true self and he is so grateful because he owes this all to me. If I had never left him, he would never has learned, he was so ignorant all these years. Also I am so incredibly smart – too smart for my own good actually – and so this went on. He will never give up hope, he wont tell me what he will never give up hope on however. He will never give up hope on my soul. He knows that the real me is still in there. This person that I have become is not the real me. Which is just fucking fantastic as far as I am concerned as it once again proves that he doesn’t want me to grow in any way. I need to stay the young and naive 19 year old that he fell in love with. Well things change and people change. He also somehow knows that there is someone else in my life – I didn’t elaborate on it at all or entertain it at all though.

He saw me the other day and it was a pleasant surprise he says, but he cannot risk seeing me again as he needs to go far away because he needs to distance himself from everything that is me. He will never be able to move on and grow if I am always in the distance – then perhaps he should stop emailing me? – anyway. I feel that we actually had a good chat and that we ok and I hope that one day we can actually be friends, he says it is impossible because it is too painful, but I believe we can.

And then I wrote this to him.

Perhaps when I’m sleeping you’ll get back on your feet.

You know there is someone else,
I don’t know how,
But you know,
You just wanted to keep talking and talking but I kept saying I was tired, we can talk tomorrow.
You know there is someone else,
You softly snuck in that sentence where you said:
‘don’t allow him to keep you from sleeping when you tired like your silly husband did, don’t allow him to be selfish like your silly husband was’
I didn’t even reply to it.
Eventually you let me sleep.
I got into bed and fell asleep right away.
I expected myself to lay awake and think about you.
But I didn’t.
I just went to sleep.

And then I wrote this.

I’m sorry but I’m not sorry

As the nights now get warm you kick off the sheets,
I’m so sorry
I’m entangled in him and i don’t mind getting hot when I sleep anymore, he holds me so tight at night and I sleep soundly. He breathes loudly into my neck and I smile.
I’m not sorry.
You breathed into me and I used to turn the other way because I couldn’t fall asleep,
you tried to hold me and you put your leg on mine and it felt so heavy i would slide away from underneath it.
I’m so sorry.
I stay up with him and we talk and we cry and I sleep for a few hours and I get drunk with him and we cheers with wine and we laugh.
I’m not sorry.
You begged me to stay 5 more minutes but I couldn’t do it because i didn’t feel safe anymore and i couldn’t listen to you anymore and i couldn’t see you drunk anymore and i couldn’t see the seeds from the weed anymore and i couldn’t feel you touch me anymore.
I’m so sorry.
Your eyes became so cold, we would lay on the couch and you would softly touch me and i got scared and i would call you on the brink of tears because the world became too much for me and you wouldn’t hear my voice trembling or you ignored it?
I’m so sorry
Now all i want is for him to touch me and when he calls I try to sound brave and he sees right through me and drives to me and he holds me.
I’m not sorry.
When i let you in and opened up and you told me you could not believe I would dump my illness on you at such an inconvenient time.
I’m so sorry.
I told him about it and he shrugged and said we all have our demons and he held me.
I’m not sorry.
You saw me the other day and you were surprised, you say you want to leave and you can never risk being near me because you will crumble,
I’m so sorry.
i never want to leave you and i want to be your friend and i don’t feel your presence anymore.
I’m not sorry.
You said losing me was the worst thing that had ever happened to you, you said you had never been so depressed, you said you would never give-up hope even if you know this is for the best.
I’m so sorry.
Losing you was hard but being with you was harder and i have never felt more alive and free than I do now.
And you know what,
I’m not sorry.

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