I binged this morning in a parking lot and then I tried to purge at the shopping centre and nothing came up. Honestly probably 1/10 of the food. I just gagged and gagged and then I cried because nothing came up. Bulimia is swallowing me whole.
I went to therapy and it was wonderful because my therapist is so great. I really felt like a weight had lifted off my shoulders when I saw her.
Basically I have been binging and purging and its all anxiety and its all because of fear. Because I have many habits to unlearn which I am really committed to doing. She feels that I have dealt with many issues and there are still a few things for us to touch on but psychotherapy has gone really well and now we have to focus on cognitive behavioural therapy because its all about patterns and coping now.
So I am now going to journal when I feel anxious. I have to journal the trigger and the action I took and take healthy actions. For example my triggers have been:
This guy – because romantic relationships are a huge triggers for eating disorders, getting so close to someone, he is so lovely and wonderful and I get so scared because I don’t think that I deserve so much kindness – so the emotions become so overwhelming that I binge.
I have gained weight – this makes me feel awful and my self esteem drops so I binge.
I had a big meeting with my boss yesterday – beforehand I was so nervous because we were doing a performance review and I always feel that I am not good enough so I was so anxious and so I binged.
I dont have much money at the moment – this is always a trigger because it stresses me out and so I binge, which is just fucking ridiculous because then I spend the little money that I have on binge food?
Woek is also a major trigger – When it gets overwhelming and the work load gets a bit much or my boss gets demanding, which is all completely natural in the work environment, I tend to get extremely anxious though and then self destruct.
Thats an idea of the triggers – are they very small and minuscule in the grander scheme of things, yes they are. To my disorder however, the smallest things can become triggers and I need to teach myself to hold the anxiety and do the harder option – it is so much easier just to b/p when I am in a uncomfortable situation than it is to face the feelings head on and just let them be.