He makes me coffee in the morning – and some reminiscing about my husband – Day 4

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Every time I wake up next to him I feel that I am frozen in time. I feel like I am on vacation in a foreign land and there is no way to be and no where to go – just now – just me and just him.

The day was good and I just had a mean salad and having a glass of wine. Why am I drinking a glass of wine every night? I could never do this for the past four years. If I felt like a glass of wine, I would buy a bottle and have a glass and in minutes my husband would have finished the bottle. We could never keep alcohol in our house because he would binge drink it – it saddens my heart so much to think about it even.

I was told I am a sick person again by my ex husband, however there is a silver lining because he believes that there is hope for my soul. I wont lie, I miss the good old days when we were best friends, before we got lost and grew apart. I miss laughing and I miss him sitting on the kitchen counter drinking wine with me whilst I was cooking dinner and I miss watching movies on the couch and I miss eating the best baklava ever with our hands that he brought from Turkey.

When he got down on his knees and proposed – that was the happiest moment of my life. He was so nervous and shaky and I couldn’t understand what was going on and next minute he was on his knees. I laughed and I cried and he cried and it was beautiful and we got home and told my parents and they cried and I smiled for days on end.

I miss the spontaneous texts during the day saying ‘I love you’ and ‘thinking of you’.

I do miss my husband. But I think its important to realise that just because you miss something it doesn’t mean that you want it back.

And of course while I am writing all of this – He phones…and my jaw is going to hurt from all the grinning, just because I heard his voice.

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