How much fun is this…woke up and got paid my old salary. Had to give my boss a lift to work (yes my boss gets rides with me every now and then and yes I know how ridiculous that sounds), sat driving and she was chatting away and I honestly wanted to punch her in the face.
I thought not to bring it all up while I was literally fuming. I felt the need to calm down and not get anxious and emotional and then make things even worse!
As the day progressed it did get worse. Then I wanted to start screaming and punching walls I was so annoyed. She texted me constantly about really stupid crap that we have discussed numerous times. She always sends me about 15 messages in a row and contradicts herself in all of them and changes her mind in every single one of them – so I always ignore them and then eventually read them when I have the strength to decode what she is trying to say.
She told me today that I often don’t follow through with projects – which is true, I am an absolute starter and not a finisher, I have to put in a conscious effort to finish. So I wasn’t even offended by this, I was incredibly pissed off however because twice now we have scheduled a meeting and she has conveniently ‘forgotten’ and then there is my tax situation that she has been sorting out for literally two years now. Then there is the cell phone allowance and the fuel allowance that she also conveniently ‘forgets’ to pay.
Of course there are the empty promises…
I have not started my handbag line because it keeps getting put on hold. I have not received my raise that was for the end of September? I am still not receiving my cell phone and fuel allowance so there goes my money spent on growing her fucking business! Oh and then there is the fact that I would become partner in the business – next minute – she says ‘you know the business has no money so there really isn’t much point in even becoming partner’ – WELL thats comforting…
So I am paying to work for her. I honestly feel that I am not growing. I am stagnating like old water that you forget in your car because it rolled under the seat. Sadly I am so loyal to her – I love her and I love the brand, I am however not loyal to myself…because I am choosing her over me.
For the past week or so I have spontaneously been looking out for new jobs every now and then and then today shit got real. I stalked the internet for job vacancies and I will be doing so tomorrow as well.
This is so bold…
On Monday I want to hand in my four weeks notice ‘fml, way to cause myself an anxiety attack’. Is this the most responsible thing to do? Well no not at all, you cant leave a job into unemployment thats just silly. I however cannot sit in another situation where someone I love gets put before me and when that particular person and I start to destroy our relationship and destroy each other as people all because we didn’t know how to call it quits. We have the same arguments and the same fights over and over again. She is not going to fulfil her empty promises and I am not going to ever be ok with that and I have lost all motivation and feel that I don’t have the strength to carry on and that is unfair to her and to the business.
This is the year of risks…
It is also the year of being fearless and just saying Fuck it – whats the worst that could happen. If I dont get a job I will start my handbag collection. Literally sell my wedding rings and they will give birth to my own handbag collection. And if that takes off then fantastic and if that fails – then I will work for my aunt or someone or I will start waitressing or something and that will not be the end of the world. The end of the world is fucking stagnating.
I would rather have the whole world against me than my own soul.
I know things get rough, but when they get rough and you cant climb your way out of the roughness then its time to get up and walk away. I am not ever going to work and work and work myself to the bone to keep something going when I know that in my heart it is over.
Mark my words – I will survive off the knuckles of my fingers if need be – but I will not stagnate!
On a fun note – I got so fed up with work that I left at 3pm and then I went to buy a smoothie maker and then came home at 5pm and had wine and made dinner and now I am in bed already at 7pm and I will fall asleep shortly and tomorrow will be lovely.
Good night xxx