We met for breakfast because we both had a lot to do so wanted to see each other early just in case we missed each other. Landed up having breakfast, and then going to the movies and then lunch and drinks and I got home at 17:30.
It was wonderful. I fall more and more every minute for him and I am horrified. Next week we are going on holiday and I cannot wait! Its going to be wonderful to be alone just the two of us, relaxing on the beach. Being away from all the drama that is going on here with my divorce and the death of his friend and his ex girlfriend and work and my pressure from resigning and trying to figure out where the hell I will be going to next.
So excited, so scared of how hard I am falling.
It’s like driving down a dead end street and no one is going to turn around until we reach the end and are forced to…
Slept over at his house last night and then went to gym this morning, stopped at home on my way to work to grab some breakfast because I have no money so I can’t buy breakfast! Landed up binging on 3 bowls of granola, WHY?
Leave me alone bulimia.
My thighs are touching, when I walk I can feel it and it revolts me and then I say to myself ‘love yourself’. It doesn’t really work, but I am trying at least. I am not my shell – I have been at so many weight points this year and none of my relationships have changed. No one has even mentioned my weight really, not many have even noticed. It truly is just me that judges myself so harshly and is so critical.
So tonight I went to a memorial party in the park for my aunts mum, she passed away during the week and she was such a lovely lady. She was 93. I can picture her smile, she had terrible Alzheimer’s so every time she saw me, which was weekly, she would say I have grown into such a lovely young lady and she cant believe its been about 5 years since she saw me 🙂 she was so sweet. We had a really lovely time having wine and pizza and telling stories and catching up with family.
After the memorial I went to a party with my friend Andrew ( which I feel really guilty about because I feel like I should spend the night with Him) because we always hang out on weekends. I’m so torn. I don’t know why even. I am totally trying to be a man about it and not panic like a little girl. The party was amazing, I met so many lovely people it was really fun! Andrew and I also kissed, we were drunk and it was nice and then he asked to go upstairs and I said no – because I really didn’t want to, because I don’t like him in that way and because that would have just been mean because I would be leading him on. So we just went back to the party and chilled.
I have been eating really well this week, I however have been feeling a binge coming on. So this morning I had two bowls of granola instead of one, lunch I had salmon and salad and at around 4 when I got home I had five bowls of granola and purged 😦 so I naturally didn’t have dinner after that.
So I took a nap and when I awoke I was thinking about the divorce and how it affected me, but more so how it affected my family. I will never forget standing outside the mall in the parking lot, my mom and dad were on their way back home after we had packed up my whole house. I was so fragile, so thin and deep into the depression. I hugged my mom and dad goodbye and my mom cried and I cried and then my dad cried. I’d only seen my dad cry a hand full of times before, first his mum passed away when I was 5, when I was about 16 we were all at home and he cried because of how beautiful the song ‘good bye to a river’ by Don Henley, when I was 21 and our dog tequila died, when he was in ICU, my sisters wedding, my wedding and that day in the parking lot holding me. My mom and dad and me clinging onto each other tightly and crying and they kept saying ‘you have to be strong my girl, you have to be strong’ and I was just collapsing, collapsing into my parents arms. My dad had his strong arms around my mom and I and we both cried leaving black traces of mascara all over his powder blue shirt.
I had a glass of wine outside and there was a slight breeze stinging my cheeks and I sat for about an hour listening to the trees in the wind and the cars passing by. Wrapped up with my knees in my hoodie. Me and my wine and my thoughts in what I realise is my happy place. Sitting quietly and being grateful and being calm, thinking about how loved I am and about how incredible my life has become after all the turmoil.
Then He called and I went over to his house and we just chilled and went to sleep at about nine and chatted about our holiday. It’s just a week and we’ll be on the sunny beach, I cannot wait! Things were really nice and relaxed last night – I think keeping my distance must have worked. I really like him. I really want to stay in this relationship and I want it to blossom, but we shall see, its not about the outcome, its about the journey. For now, being with him is magical.
So I have been going to therapy every two weeks for the past month and today is my last day for the year. My psychologist is closing her practice the week of the 1st December, which is the week I am away – So today was my last day!
Therapy was good, she is so proud of me for working so hard this year. For overcoming so many obstacles and for facing everything head on and for being so strong. She thinks I am in such a good space, it’s only the eating and handling the anxiety that I need to keep working on day by day.
So I haven’t been speaking to him much, he called Monday but I was already sleeping lol. Tuesday night we chatted a bit in the morning and then I said good night and he only replied once I was sleeping (it’s like I’m always sleeping). This morning i texted morning and we chatted a bit. Basically I’m playing hard to get, which goes against everything I stand for because I because I am an advocate of honesty – I however am going to try this out and see it through and see the results.
I will admit that I am enjoying all the time I have again and not feeling the anxiety of whether he is going to call or not and not feeling panicked because I like him so much. Now I’m chilled, what ever happens will happen. It is fun but its not as exciting as feeling like a 16 year old girl thats about to be asked to prom.
I wont lie, last night after I finished writing my post, I got into bed and I listened to music and I wanted to drive to my ex husbands house and lay on the floor with him and hold his hand and listen to music with our eyes closed. Just feel the way we used to feel, when things were light and before all the mess.
It’s day 80 and I can’t believe how time has flown and how much I have grown!
Went to the gym this morning which was so lovely, and work wasn’t too bad and then this evening cleaned my house and rearranged a few things and made dinner, drank wine and lay on the floor reading.
Its been raining and it’s so chilly! I bought a new dress and I’m dying to wear it and the weather just isn’t budging UGH – First world problems lol
I have completely committed myself to my health and I have started posting on my food blog again and I’ve really been making an effort to eat more balanced and look after my body. Health first, weight loss second. I also went to gym today, which was great. I haven’t been going because gym became a weight loss tool, it stopped being fun and I didn’t enjoy it anymore. Today I simply walked on the treadmill and didn’t check the calories or my step count or the kilometres.
Healthy eating and working out is for me – it’s not for ED!
Having a glass of wine and dinner and I have switched my cellphone off because I don’t feel like a distraction. Electricity has just gone out and there is thunder outside.
Me and my macbook, writing and relaxing and I will possibly go to sleep at 7pm.
So I had that talk with him, I couldn’t keep it in any longer. I couldn’t keep living in limbo so I just went ahead and I asked. I had to, eventually so much resentment would build up and anxiety would take over if I didn’t. Then I would binge and spiral and I’m actually doing quite well – Ok lies, I binged and purged yesterday (you see how natural it becomes that you eventually forget when you engage in disruptive behaviours, they just part of your routine.
So I just keep on acting like I’m so strong and he keeps acting like nothings wrong. I just couldn’t hold it in anymore.
This is what it boils down to…
He isn’t ready to commit 100% to a relationship. I am kind of I think – maybe I’m not 100% ready, but I willing to give it a shot. I’m willing to try. I completely understand where he is coming from, the day he met he was fresh in breaking up with his girlfriend, his best friend had died and he is moving to New York City? I totally get it, its totally understandable. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt my feelings a little bit.
Never the less I am happy that we could be so open and honest with each other – it feels like such an incredibly mature relationship, and it was great speaking. I’m so used having someone shout at me and tell me that I am delusional – that I actually enjoyed the conversation because for the first time in years my partner actually cared what my point of view was.
I’m taking a step back.
This is never going to go my way if I try and control it.
Stepping back, focusing on me again.