Fragile State – Day 18

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So I’m at home with my parents.

This morning, I woke up feeling awful. I went to bed at 6pm last night and I woke up at about 7pm feeling so depressed and exhausted. Oh my god.

I literally couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. Literally. When people speak about depression and how difficult it is to get out of bed – that was me this morning.

These things that haunt me, sometimes I just lay in bed and I think to myself ‘what’s wrong with you mind’. I used to be so strong and stable and now I feel like I have fallen from grace and its like demons have dimmed the luminous light that once shined from my eyes. It comes in waves. Some days I wake and I think that this blackness wont last forever, that I will find way through it all. Some days I wake up in this fragile state and I have to pray that I make it through the day, just the day, just this one day.

So I lay in be crying and I couldn’t get up.

So I decided to go to the doctor. I have anaemia, I have low magnesium and I am burnout. I got booked off today and tomorrow so I said ‘fuck it’ I’m going home to the farm. The fresh air and the nature and love and support. Also I need my mom to cook for me and watch my eating habits because that is why my system is so run down = yes there are the emotional aspects..divorce, work stress, depression, new relationship, my uncle is ill = but physically I need to look after my body and eat healthy. So I am going home and going to work on my health for a few days.

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