First and foremost – I demolished the hamburger yesterday and I went on to have a full meal at dinner and wine and dessert – BOOM!
I collected my wedding photos today.
Yes after 10 months of marriage I only collected my wedding photographs – they have been ready since March. I just never collected them. Even while I was married, even early days, I didn’t want them. I wanted no reminders of the day that ruined my relationship with my husband. Yes it wasn’t that particular day – but thats the day that everything came out. That day was the day that everything started to spiral out of control.
I realise that I am nostalgic. Driving back home from my parents today, back home, as I drove into the city I had an urge to go home – my home that I built. I didn’t want to go there with my husband per se, but I wanted to go home. I wanted to play with the dogs, I wanted to cook a meal in my kitchen and I wanted to sit on my couch. I felt like the space and I felt like feeling as if I was home.
I think its important to differentiate between missing something and actually wanting it back. I don’t want to go back there and I don’t want to live there, alone or with my husband. I do however miss it, boy do I miss it.
The bathroom, we had a really nice shower, I miss taking long baths and I miss having a king sized bed. I miss having a pantry and fridge full of food and cooking up a storm and baking and entertaining. I miss painting in my garden and I miss the smell of the freshly watered grass. I miss sitting at my dressing table in the morning doing my hair and watching reruns of ‘how I met your mother’ on the couch.
I don’t want to go back. I am so grateful for where I am today. I am so grateful for what this journey has taught me, not only have I learnt about myself and grown but I have never experienced so much love. My family and friends came in with a cavalry and carried me through all this and I will be forever grateful. I am so blessed.
Just had a box of chocolates – shrugging it off. I don’t know how I feel when I hold my wedding photos in my hands, numb, nostalgic or indifferent. I don’t know, and that makes me panic a bit, so I binged and thats ok.
One of my best friends came over and I wore my wedding dress and we drank wine and laughed and had an amazing time. Again, there was slight panic as I felt nothing for my dress. It was like I was wearing any other dress in my wardrobe.