Dear You, (Him, the man I so hopelessly fell for)
I think about you every day. Your soft touch, the way you kissed my forehead when you walked past me. How we lay in bed exploring each others minds and enlightening each others universes. The instant hope we felt as our lips met for the first time. Everything we taught each other about love and life and everything in between.
I’m sending you love and compassion. I miss you deeply but more than that I am grateful. I will forever love you deeply and appreciate what you taught me. I would have loved for you to stay longer, but you have weeded your way out of my world.
Live and let live.
When people think about depression, they think about sadness. They don’t think about the bully and they don’t think about depressions best friends that tend lurk around every corner.
Depression has called me, worthless, ugly, lazy and rotten. His best friend Eating disorder always chimes in that I’m fat and that I have no control over myself or over my life. Depression has told me that I have no direction and that I will amount to nothing. I am a burden on everyone, my family and my friends. Anxiety always has to say her part as well, she brings on this uneasy feeling that makes you want to climb out of your own skin. Scream, run away, cry, self medicate and just find peace and calm.
Depression and anxiety are the complete opposites of each other. Depression is numb, it’s state where you feel there is no way out and you sitting in the dark and you waiting, waiting for what. God alone knows. Anxiety is his evil sister that despite the fact that its dark and empty, something keeps tapping you on your shoulder. Just freaking you out. Half the time you are unsure where anxiety came from and the rest of the time you trying to figure out what it’s trying to say to you. In the dark, where you feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel alone and miserable, you have anxiety freaking you out even more and making the darkness more unbearable.
Christmas is my favourite time of year, the family, the love and the festivities.
Christmas and boxing day and the 27th of December I spent most of my time sleeping. I was feeling so lethargic. I tried to write, I tried to read, I tried to spend time with my family and it all seemed like a struggle.
Christmas morning, I struggled to get out of bed. It was only until I saw my nephew that the fog lifted slightly. His excitement for the presents, his hugs and his laughter. We sat opening all his presents together and I helped him get into his spider man suit that my mom bought him for Christmas.
The way he spontaneously says ‘I love you’
I don’t know why and I don’t know how or what. Maybe it was because Christmas last year was awful. Maybe its the memories of being asked for an annulment 5 days after my wedding. Perhaps its feeling that my childhood had ended, because I was now married and I felt that I lost a part of myself. And how my ex husband told me I wasn’t a wife and I wasn’t ready for marriage, that our marriage was a mistake?
I don’t know. It was hard these past three days.
Despite my magical family, the most wonderful and loving people in the worlds, I couldn’t lift that fog. If it wasn’t for my beautiful nephew I don’t know how I would actually had made it through. Thank you, I love you.
My brothers girlfriend is visiting and she is wonderful.
A soul mate. We connected and became so close so quickly. It was absolutely incredible.She is studying psychology so we really spoke about things on a much deeper level which was amazing.
All my aunts and uncles and cousins are here for Christmas.
This festive season has ben spectacular with everyone I hold so dearly. Christmas has always been my favourite time of year, I really struggled last year because my husband and I were worlds apart and he was so depressed and we fought and I cried constantly. I always felt that Christmas was ruined. Not this year, this year is filled with love again.
I heard back from Israel and they need more letters from my doctor about my depression and anxiety. Sigh… So I will only go next year probably.
26 years old today and I had three pieces of cake. Am I happy with myself? Not really and I obviously thought of purging and now I’ve had my last slice before. Red velvet, cream cheese icing melting in my tongue – pure bliss.
I didn’t imagine I would be here when I was 26, and I’m not imagining where I will be when I am 36, life doesn’t give into your imagination.
My ex husband didn’t wish me happy birthday.
My mom and dad shed a tear today and told me how incredibly proud they are. They are proud of how I dealt with this year, the person I have become.
I’m not 100% happy with myself right now, but I will say that I am content. My weight is the highest it has been in a while and my clothes are tight and wearing a bikini makes me cringe but I wear it and I wear a brave face and I accept that this is me right now. This is where I have to be right now.
I’m growing, I’m not where I want to be, but I am getting there and I will be found.
I’m not alone and I’ll never be.
My heart is here freezing, as my tears fill my bowl and I’m finally tasting alone. Sat at an ice cream parlour and you broke my heart, now I’m tasting the saddest vanilla.
You’re such a swamp, but you’re all I want.
I miss him.
I feel scared and anxious for the future. Trying to be peace at where I am at this moment. Be free in the learning and be free here and now in this moment. I have no direction and I have no where I’m heading and I guess I am lost. But I am me and that is enough for now.
I will be found and I’m not faking it anymore. I don’t know what or who or when or how. I don’t know what I want from this life. And thats ok for now.
There’s a bright white beautiful heaven hanging over me.
365 days ago, you walking down the isle clutching onto your dad. Faces of your your closest friends and family gleaming at you with the biggest smiles. You’re on top of the world and you can’t wait to stand next to the man of your dreams, your soul mate, the person you have chased to be your best friend and in minutes you’ll be his wife.
Only getting to the alter, look to your right, and you read your soon to be husbands face. You have been in love for years, you have a form of telepathy by now and the expression on his face tells a thousand words.
Whispering ‘are you ok?’
He says “you look beautiful’ in a stern whisper.
The priest starts the ceremony and you marrying a blank face.
Reception dinner, everyone is laughing and dancing and drinking and you’re crying under a tree because since you said those words ‘I do’, you have been told by your husband that you are not a wife, you are a child, you weren’t ready to be married and you are now attention seeking and hogging the lime light. All at your own wedding.
The day you have been dreaming about.
The man you love.
The future you had envisioned.
It all comes crashing down with everything line that he has thrown at you and you crumbling with every tear, wishing you could run and cry and be held, but you too afraid to speak to anyone because he will throw more and more lines at you.
I woke up nostalgic and fragile and sad.
Yesterday was my last day of work, 3 years and its an end of an era, it was bitter sweet. Saying good bye to your colleagues and your comfort zone and embarking on a journey that you have absolutely no idea where it will take you or where you will land up.
Sitting on my single bed, 112 days ago, I lay in this bed alone. For the first time in four years I was going to sleep in a house that I shared with no one but myself. No one but myself to take responsibility for and no one to answer to and no structure.
Embarking on a journey that I had no idea about. Dealing with a divorce and the eating disorder, cutting for the first time in 6 years. ingle and feeling alone but liberated and free. The world in my grasp, right in front of me.
I made it.
This year I went back to the city a wife. I cried and I cried and I hid away and I was isolated from the people I love. I grew cold and distant. Lost all my confidence. I had no hope and I was scared, scared of myself, scared of my husband, scared of the past and scared of the future.
I’m ending this year and going home to family today, my loved ones who came in and lifted me like a cavalry out of this mess and carried me through.
Today is bitter sweet.
My dreams were crushed, my innocence and naivety lost and life revealed itself to be a dark cloud. Plans turned upside down and I realised that life is fleeting.
Never looking back.
Tomorrow will be my 1 year wedding anniversary. It will be tough and I know that. But I am never looking back, I remember every detail of that day and this year has been painful. But I am content with where I am now. I could be that scared girl I was in May, hiding away from the world, but instead I am me.
I miss Him.
He is distant and I feel that we hardly know each other.
I know it was genuine. I will never stop feeling silly though, I won’t stop thinking that he did lead me on. cations spoke louder than words. We agreed that it was casual. But the actions told a different story. Weekend brunches at his house with friends, we packed the dish washer together. Helping each other pack when we went on trips. Sharing our dreams of travelling and being together. Going on a romantic getaway together. It was mixed signals. Giving me something that I shouldn’t get used to, seeing the end and the start and teaching me to gamble and saying we’d win. So I went all in and now I’m in this dream alone,
The situation just became so much tougher than us. I know I said I wouldn’t cry about it but I guess I am. Just because I knew there was going to be an end, doesn’t mean I don’t still feel his arms around me. His gentle touch and his soft voice haunts my thoughts and I can’t get them out of my mind.
I’m trying to act all tough and say its a game and I can’t be smoted. I’m a little broken, I’m a little shattered and I’m a lot sad.
So many emotions.
My friend Andrew and I slept together last night.
I keep thinking I should feel guilty. But I don’t.
We had a great evening, having dinner and drinks and singing. Taking photos and laughing and going to the casino and gambling and kissing at the tables when we won. Sitting at the bar and laughing at the brave singing karaoke, giggling, leaning towards him with my hands on his knees and kissing him. Running to the car in the rain, holding hands and kissing on the drive home.
In a way we using each other I suppose. We being spontaneous and lighting a spark that was always slowly trying to find it’s way out the dark.
After everything ended with Him, we slowly starting gravitating towards each other again.