It wasn’t intentional, but while I was binging I decided that I had to throw up. I missed the sore feeling in my throat. I missed the safety I felt after doing it. I miss being in the world I created, where its just me and the binging and the scarred knuckles. Where nothing can get me down, my eating disorder and I together on top and nothing can reach us as long as we have each other. Like lovers, and this time I’m not sure if I want to leave this relationship.
I binged on mini caramel swiss rolls, nuttella, chocolate mousse, custard slices and mcflurry’s. The beginnings of these episodes are always glorious! The rush and excitement, when the sugar settles in your mouth and its like a high. But the middles and ends are crushing.
The conviction, post binge, that you are the most disgusting, worthless creature on Earth is total, as consuming a psychic pain as I have ever experienced. Yet, time after time, the emotional fallout from bingeing proves so excruciating that I vow to never, never, do it again. The sad part is that I know I will. Every time I start a binge lately, I think to myself that it is no big deal as I am going to Israel and I will get better when I am there. There will be no junk to buy and constantly hoard.I rightfully know that this is a blatant lie. Recovery happens now, right now.
I’m not admin, I’m a human being. I wasn’t admin when you were coming in my mouth, now I’m clingy because I want to spend time with you before I leave? I was there with you when things were hard and then you went off to New York, you came back, something happened while you were away. When you came back I wasn’t with you in that space, you shut me out and you didn’t let me be there with you. You shut us all out. I wanted to be next to you, feel with you, if it was something you had to do alone – I wanted to be there still so that you knew when you come out from underneath it all, I would still be waiting.
Now I realise, I was convenient.
I came into your life when we both needed healing. You came alive, you were with me every day and you were hanging out with friends again. You came out of that dark room that you buried yourself in for two years. You were back and everyone welcomed you with open arms and everyone was so happy to have you back and I was ecstatic about us meeting. It was all so beautiful.
I know you want to be here with us, you were happy and you were free again. Playing with your dogs and going for walks, cooking meals together and sharing our dreams. You were happy there. What changed in New York? Did you come back and realise we weren’t good enough, that you in fact didn’t want to be with us?
You came back and all of a sudden you isolated yourself again. Yes you are busy. We know you so busy making money out there and making a name for yourself. Your scheduled is packed and there isn’t a slot for us. You’re back there again and there isn’t space for us.
I know in the beginning it was real, but when things became too real, you backed out. Now its about convenience for you. Now you’re busy packing your things and getting ready for your new life, wrapping up things on this side and there is no time left for the rest of us. No time for me, and no time for your friends. It’s not convenient right now, you don’t need us right now. You have your new dream and your new life now.
I have sent everything to the Kibbutz! I should know in a few days if I am accepted. If I am I will be leaving 28 December already! I am so nervous and excited and scared.
Fingers crossed that I get to go!
Conversation I have with most people:
‘Are you sure you want to go to a Kibbutz?’
Me – ‘Yes I’m sure’
‘So you really going?’
Me – ‘Yes’
‘Are you serious?’
Me – ‘Yes, why does no one believe me!’
If I stay here, trouble will find me,
if I stay here, I will never leave.
I will always think of you,
I will always call you my home.
My bosses husband was in a car accident.
I heard on Friday, I also heard on Friday that she has bad mouthed me and twisted the whole story about my resignation. Everyone is speaking about it. I am the villain again. Rumours going around every where.
I called her this morning, and we spent the afternoon together in the studio. We spoke and we patched things up, we both agreed that we completely merged work and friendship and we should have handled this in a better manner. I am going to help her this week just to keep the ball rolling, until Friday when the business closes for the holidays.
Our friendship is special, I will never deny it.
I enjoyed being in the studio with her again, working with all the factory staff again and seeing James.
I saw him, he was at Christmas yesterday and we hardly spoke even. We spent the night in the same bed and didn’t speak and didn’t even kiss. We know it’s over, there is nothing to say. We lay staring into each others eyes this morning, kissing softly.
If all works out with the Kibbutz, I will be leaving first. On 30th of April it is my best friends’s wedding and he will be there. That is when we will see each other again.
He told me to visit him in New York – do I hold onto this hope that we will be.
We made each other feel hope again.
We made each other feel whole again.
I tried to purge today, I literally scratched my throat with my nails and almost choked, and so I just ran out the bathroom horrified.
Something my dad said in June. He wishes my ex husband went to them and said ‘Danielle has relapsed, we need to help her’ instead of dismissing it and making me out to be attention seeking. ‘It’s not a choice, she’s hiding and running away’
My besties. I love them more than anything.
They are my home.
My soul family.
We had a Christmas lunch and it was so much fun! We set the table, cooked a lot of food, ate until we could explode (naturally I restricted all day for this). Drank wine, laughed and bonded.
It was lovely.
It was perfect.
Well He cancelled dinner. I was not even surprised.
It’s over, I’ve been here before. You know its over, he is slipping out of my grasp and he thinks its ok. It’s not ok. I cant watch this silent farewell unfurl and feel that I have no voice. I have to say good bye. It doesn’t matter if we were prepared for this or if we knew it was coming, it still fucking hurts. I’m not letting it slip away, if it slips away all the beautiful memories go along with it and all that is left is the hurt. I’m remembering the beauty and I’m bidding farewell and holding on to the beauty and not letting it slip away and get lost in amidst the hurt and sadness and disappointment that will turn into resentment.
Drove back to the City.
Drinks with a friends that I worked with – apparently there are so many rumours going around about me and why I resigned and why I left and things I said. I am hurt and disappointed.
Dinner with R. It was lovely. I was guilt ridden, because I kept thinking about Him.
Today was better at work, I was more comfortable and I felt a little more in control. I was actually starting to get used to being there and get used to being home.
Last night I lay in bed and I couldn’t sleep, for a few hours I tossed and I turned. Worrying about the Kibbutz because I hadn’t heard back yet, the Kibbutz is my out at the moment. If the Kibbutz doesn’t happen then I don’t know what will. Worried about him because he has become so distant. Worried about my relationship with my boss.
I made the decision that tomorrow evening when I meet him for dinner, I am going to end our relationship. Is relationship even the right word? I don’t know.
Eating wise wasn’t great. I binged on ice cream in the afternoon. I went to the farm at about 17h00 to spend the night. We landed up having such a fun spontaneous night! Made pizza and pasta and had wine and then chocolate and then we even had liqueurs.
My mum, dad, my brother and me. My happy place, on the farm.
My brothers dog went to the parlour and looks so cute and white and fluffy like snowy from tin tin haha
Also, remember that guy Rick. The one I had the magical 6 hour date with that then decided I was crazy? And no matter how lustrous and desirable the relationship seemed, he didn’t think it would last?
Well we have been chatting and he wants to go out when I am back. I am excited, we have been chatting every day since Sunday. In a way I feel like saying ‘fuck off’ but I actually do think he is great and I am willing to give it another shot.