First of all, my boss paid the rest of my salary today! She didn’t even mention that I wasn’t at work yesterday or anything about my raise. So YAY now I have money.
Last night we went to the school function and then Andrew and I decided to have dinner and then we went for a lovely walk and made out and landed up in our underwear in the park! I wont lie, I had a lovely time, we had so much fun just chatting and hanging out. Kissing him felt amazing, we walked around a labyrinth and sat on the park bench chatting and kissing. There was a full moon and there were cold grey clouds hiding the stars.
I lifted my arms and he took my dress off slowly. We kissed and stopped every so often and looked into each others eyes, his beautiful soft brown eyes. He isn’t particularly sensual and he isn’t particularly good with his hands either, but it was ok. It was nice, it was nice being with him and kissing him and looking into his eyes. It’s nice how he doesn’t care about my past or about what I am going through, he doesn’t mind the confusion. He understands and gets that I’m in a confusing space, he knows about everything and we open about it.
I want to see him again.
There’s just something about us. We aren’t the same, we from two different worlds. I’m slightly crazy, philosophical and anxious. He is cool, calm and in control and tries to live in the moment. I take life too seriously and he assures me that its just a journey we on and its ok to be selfish. I have to be selfish.
I want to kiss him.
You can’t keep coming back and pretending that nothing has changed. He put so much pressure on the relationship when he booked a holiday for us, when he phoned me every day, when he texted me ever day.
You cant just decide to call me when its convenient. I don’t want to be with someone who wants to be around me when they have time, I want to be with someone who makes time for me.
I’m not speaking to guys anymore, I can keep doing this, its causing me way too much drama.
I am really not feeling comfortable and like I am in a good place. I know I’m taking myself too serious and I shouldn’t be so hard on myself. But I don’t want to be this person. I don’t want to be a so called ‘player’ and string guys along, its so incredibly exhausting! I want to go back to sitting on my yoga mat and writing and bettering my soul and myself.
So this morning I woke up and lay in bed contemplating whether I should go to work or not! Then my friend texted me and she was home for the day booked off for sick leave and said I can come hang out if I like, I got us croissants and we spent the morning chatting and watching Girls. I went to work from 14h00 – 15h00 and then did some shopping and took a nap.
Feeling so bleh today.
Just feel like taking a nap all the time.
Going out with my friend Andrew this evening to a school thing.
Got paid my old salary.
I cant even deal. I’m not even going to work. Honestly I am not going to work. I emailed and asked he about the increase and she said she is happy to discuss it on Friday – There is nothing to discuss!
Also my date with Rick was cancelled – we just not compatible? He literally told me I was crazy lol. He said as desirable and lustrous this seems he feels that it will have an expiration date. I appreciate his honesty I suppose. And now I am not in a pickle. And I just got batted.
Today was a bit of a fail.
Having some wine and having an early night.
Ok I haven’t heard from Him since Sunday.
I chatted to Rick all day.
I am going on holiday with Him in a weeks time. I haven’t heard from him since Sunday. Honestly I’m a tad annoyed about that (yes I know I can pick up a phone and speak to him if I want) but after he has fed me so many mixed signals I am not particularly sure what to do anymore. He wooed Me! Seriously I was minding my own business and then we met and it was so magical and we both dove straight in and then he paused and paused as well. If we get down to the nitty gritty here, when he said he wasn’t ready for anything serious and wanted to keep it light and had a lot to figure out and said that when he was in New York he realised that I was a distraction and it only hit him when he was alone that he still had so much figuring out to do. If I am honest with myself, I should have left, but I didn’t want to, because he is incredible and I respect the place he is right now and I respect that he was honest. So I clinged to it because he is amazing.
Now I am falling for Rick and I have fallen for Him.
When did this happen?
I’m the one that sits on the floor in the book store and reads and writes about her feelings. I’m the girl that is so self aware that its painful. I put love first, always. I am the girl that gives her friends advice about guys. I am the girl that i in the relationship always and is committed.
I am not the girl who is holding two different hands.
Had dinner and slept over at my two best friends and it was lovely and they assured me that I am not stuck in a pickle.
Ok this morning, decided, done deal, I am going to the kibbutz for January and February next year and I send all my details in. Excited, liberated, scared and hopeful. This is what I am doing.
I am doing this for me, I am not doing this for anyone else. I have realised that He is not going to ask me to be his girlfriend, he is not going to ask me to New York and it is actually quite clear that he is not ready for this relationship. He has made it so clear, but because I am so dazzled by him I always focus on the moment when I am with him and I present and it is wonderful so I get swept up and I forget about myself and that I am falling down a well.
Ok so decided.
Hello future, lets do this, hop a plane.
Its 01h00 and I just got home from the most magical date. Yup. Danielle has gone and put herself first and said ‘fuck it’ and decided to just forget about relationships and just explore and live. Which typically, ignorantly I should actually have known this would happen because it always does. The minute I decide to make a massive change just for me and I am confident and I forget about everything and everyone and I am just content with everything. IT CHANGES!
Sitting on the floor in the book store waiting to hear where I should meet him, he came in and we hugged and it was over. From there it was downhill. We laughed until our stomachs hurt, we ran through the mall, we played in an arcade, I hid away from him and he found me. We had milkshake (when last did you have a milkshake) and we had dinner, we kissed at the fountain, we pretended we had been married for 50 years, he told me my eyes sparkled, literally sparkled and I was pretty, we kissed in the restaurant and he said he liked the taste of my skin. We didn’t place orders for our food, we asked the waiter to simply surprise us. It was an adventure.
His name is Rick and I am going to dinner with him on Wednesday again.
I am so shocked.
I am so confused.
I am stuck in a pickle.
So I went on a date this afternoon and it was really lovely, nothing happened, we just had drinks and chatted. We’ll be friend, there isn’t much else going on there.
So went on a date. So being a total man about it. Guys have such small egos, they tend to think when they dating you that you not seeing anyone else. Well I am. Sorry. Until things are official, I am single. Yes of course every time I am with someone else I realise how badly I want to be with him, but that’s ok, I think its just where I am right now and as long as I am aware and not escaping feelings I’m on the right track.
Apparently this is what people my age are doing?
I missed that bus and got married so I am a little late to the party.
I however feel like a whole new world has opened up to me. In the past 4 months I have met so many incredible people and made so many friends its been amazing. Friday night I even met a girl with bulimia and it was so amazing, it was like meeting a twin soul. It’s like I’m starting to find my place in this world and I’m starting to be me and fit in perfectly.
Anyway, the past two days I have felt absolutely wonderful, I’ve really been feeling light and like I am in a good space. I have kept my anxiety in control, I have managed to talk myself out of binges. I’m now having a glass of wine and writing.
Before I forget, my ex husband got his phd 🙂 I am so sincerely incredibly happy for him. He worked so incredibly hard for it. Yes it was one of the factors that weighed down on our relationship, but never the less, I am so incredibly proud and I am so happy for him.