I am feeling so anxiety ridden.
The wind is howling, the trees swaying and it feels like the weather is matching my insides. How is it that our moods flit so quickly. Much like the weather now a days, climate change and gloabal warming, we experience four seasons in one day. Rain when the sun is shining and wind howling when a few moments ago the sun was setting slowly.
Depression just is, much like the weather, it just is.
I can’t sleep, I usually go to bed really early but tonight I just cannot fall asleep.
Because the little voice in my head keeps telling me lies about how weak and useless I am.
The couple that owns the hostel have become my best friends and I am so sad to be leaving them and to leave the Golan. The Golan has been my home for almost 4 weeks and I have had the most incredible experience here. If anyone is ever in Israel, it is an absolute must to visit Alon and Milou at Golan Garden Hostel
No matter how much everyone here is guilt tripping me and begging me to stay. I have to move on and keep exploring.
I received an email today and a hostel in Mitzpe Ramon has agreed to have me as a volunteer for two weeks. Ironically Alon and Milou have put a good word in for me, because usually they only accept volunteers for a month, but they pulled strings and I am going for two weeks.
So this is my last week of the Golan, exploring and hiking and making the most of every second! Then off to the Greenbackpackers.
I cannot believe that I have exactly 3 weeks left in Israel.
This past 5 weeks have been a roller coaster ride. So many ups and downs, I have been all over the place emotionally, my eating disorder has made many appearances that have left me numb. Suicidal thoughts and depression snuck up on me with no warning. I miss my family and friends, at times it was unbearable.
I have walked hundreds of kilometers, eaten hummus to my hearts content and met people from all walks of love. I’ve blown my nose with a piece of paper from my notebook in order to save toilet paper. I have become friends with people who have the kindest souls. Minefields and waterfalls, I’ve lugged my backpack along the Jordan river and I’ve managed with two outfits and no make up 🙂
It’s been an experience of a life time.
I am so grateful for this opportunity and I am so proud of myself for hanging in there when the times got rough!
I did it!
I slept on the Northern side of the Jordan river 🙂 it was so amazing to be back in my tent. I loved every second of it.
I hiked the Gilabon and along the Jordan river. The Gilabon was my favorite, it was absolutely magnificent. There was a section that was a meter wide and on each side there was barbwire with signs saying minefields, with small tunnels that were covered with grass and you had crawl underneath.
I am scratched and bruised all over my legs.
I forgot my fork, so I ate my dinner with the edge of my toothpaste tube hahahaha.
It’s where I belong and it’s where I am happiest.
I have always been a city girl, I love make up and I love doing my hair. I love fine wine and painting my nails and dressing up.
But boy does it feel good to be in a war zone, scratches on my legs, cheeks blood red, hair filthy and carrying 10kilograms on my back…
EDNOS turns 10 years old this year.
Since the tender age of 16 we have been friends.
We had our breaks from each other. For years at a time we were only in contact once in a while. But our friendship never ended. We will always be there for each other in times of need.
Lets go binge and purge on your birthday cake…
I haven’t posted in this part yet.
I am feeling blank lately. I feel nothing yet I feel everything. All at once. All the time.
I have come to the realization that I miss being a wife. I miss my home and doing laundry and doing dishes and preparing meals. I miss the caretaker role, I miss looking after someone and loving someone.
I miss marriage.
I don’t miss my marriage.
I am so grateful that we ended our relationship, and I am much happier now.
However, I do miss marriage and I hope that one day I am fortunate enough to experience it again.
Today is done.
This chapter is done.
Close your eyes and start again tomorrow.
Head up love.
Tomorrow is another chance.
We’ve got to keep on moving on and on.
Forget the horror here. Its future dust and its future rust.
Each moment, each second is a new beginning. It’s hard and it’s tough. It’s hell but we have to keep on going. Even when its hell, heaven is always on the other side.
‘So I’m coming home on the 10th of March! Feeling a bit strange about leaving but really can’t wait to see you!’
‘Awesome, are you sure though?’
‘Of course I’m sure! Why you asking?’ I ask confusingly
‘I can’t wait for you to come back, of course I’m excited to you. And I miss you and wish I was with you. I just don’t want you to turn around in a few months and be upset because you came back’
‘That’s not going to happen! It’s my decision, even if you influencing it, I would never hold you responsible.’ I replied.
‘Ok great! There are so many things we going to have to do to make up for the time you were away.’
How did I get so lucky. A part of me is so surprised that he still even wants to be with me. And admittedly when he said ‘in a few months’ my heart smiled 😊 because it’s such a beautiful feeling to speak about the future.
My friend from Canada, the guy I hooked up with at Tel Aviv came to visit for the weekend!
We have such an amazing connection. Really made a friend for life. And yeah we hooked up but he is way more like a friend and I know this isn’t the best thing to say, but like a brother hahaha
Skyped with Andrew for an hour today 😊 and changing my ticket to go home around the 10th of March!