I have gained so much weight, I had to buy a pair of jeans today and they were 2 sizes bigger than what I normally wear.
Strangely enough even though I feel like I want to crawl out of my skin…I feel happy. Is my body where I want it to be? No, most definitely not. But does this define me? No, definitely not.
I’ve been going to gym and trying to eat healthy and have treats in moderation.
There is a fear that I slip back into restricting however. I really don’t want to risk it because I feel myself getting excited about the fact that my collar bones are starting to become more visible. I want to do this right. I want to do this the healthy way this time round.
Tonight is the first night that I am spending at my flat, I have been at A’s house and my friends house and then at my parents. Tonight I am home and it feels so amazing, in bed writing with my candles lit and listening to music.
I honestly cannot believe where I am. The way my life has changed.
The person I am today and the person I was a year ago. How this past year has shaped my life in so many ways. The divorce and the bulimia and the depression. Having my whole life uprooted.
If I stop to think about it, if I really pause, tears come to my eyes. I am so incredibly lucky and fortunate.
Last year was the most difficult year of my life but I wouldn’t change a thing. All the pain and the heartache, I will never for one second wish that things were different.
I have grown so much. I am so proud of the woman I have become.
I don’t care if people judge the divorce, the eating disorder and the depression. I don’t care if I seem weak because i needed therapy, because I needed medication and I don’t care if someone says I should toughen up and get over the eating disorder.
I am so fucking proud of myself.
I am so fucking proud of my struggle!
The moment I binged and purged at their wedding I knew that things had fallen apart. We spent the whole wedding arguing.
‘Thats the way a bride is supposed to act, she isn’t saying a speech and she isn’t taking over the wedding, her family isn’t taking over the wedding’ he said.
And all I could do was nod.
‘This is the way a wedding is supposed to be’ my husband said while nodding his head furiously. ‘I’m still so embarrassed by the way your family just ruled the wedding, how nobody included me and nobody consulted me or cared about me at my own wedding.’
‘I still can’t believe you did this to me Danielle, I still can’t believe how you emasculated me.’
And again I just nodded and apologised profusely.
‘We can never get that night back. We’ll never be able to have it back, the most important day of our lives and you ruined it!’
Every second I could get away from him and the blaming I would suddenly find myself at the desserts, binging on everything and anything I could find. Running downstairs into the fields and into the darkness and purging. Tears running my cheeks and my face stoning from the cold and I was purging. I would go to the bathroom and freshen up and go back upstairs to the reception and the cycle would begin again. And all the time through the purging I just kept saying to myself ‘You falling apart Danielle, You are falling apart, ’
I cannot fathom how blessed I am and how content I feel right now…
A and I went for a drive around the farm on the jeep and had so much fun. I assured him that if we opened the one gate and went through it, the cattle would not walk throughout the gate because we would be quick. Not one cow, but two cows ran through the gate into the other camp. We herder them back, A riding the jeep and me trying to herd the cows on foot. Laughing so much that we had tears in our eyes. By the time we got the cattle throughout the gate, there was the most beautiful sunset and we drove home watching the sunset. Laughing at ourself and repeating the story. Kissing so every often and smiling with our jaws wide.
I still don’t know the status between the two of us.
I guess I’m just waiting for the day for him to ask me and to assure me, because I know he has the heart. I guess I really am hoping that he will stay with me and he will tell me that he has loved me all this time.
Home to my parents farm for Easter weekend and I have brought A with me to meet my family!Might seem strange but I’m not even nervous and I don’t even think it’s a serious thing to be meeting my parents. I’m just like ‘hey come home with me, will be fun’
It’s so amazing to be home,
When did you stop caring?’ he asked.‘I didn’t, I still care, I care too much’
A asked about my recent weight gain. How I am being so nonchalant about it. I cared too much. Its not that I just stopped caring about what I looked like, so I just allowed my weight to balloon. That’s not what it is. I cared too much and I worried too much and I obsessed too much. That is what caused the weight gain. Because of caring too much, the anxiety takes its toll and the eating disorder takes over and you don’t have a choice in the matter. You’re eating disorder decides if she wants to lead you in the restricting route or the overeating route.
You cannot simply choose…
So today is the first day that I am actually officially starting to work again, ease into things again and try figure out my next move.
First thing is to start my best friends wedding dress – now she has a really low budget which is making things incredibly tricky. It is my first day back in the clothing industry and I already am agitated.
So happy to be home with these kids, honestly feels like I never left!
Home is where the heart is.
So many mixed emotions. A picked me up at the airport and it was lovely, we hugged and kissed and he kept grabbing my ass – because it is massive.
It feel lovely to be back home, the accent, the people, the friendliness, the fact that everything is so incredibly cheap compared to Israel. No one walking around with an army uniform and a gun. And everyone speaks english and I can actually read the alphabet!
A’s mom cooked an amazing welcome home lunch for which was so incredibly sweet. It was homely being back in their home again. I ate so much at lunch because, it was so delicious, so amazing to eat something other than pita and hummus and falafel and my staple diet of peanut butter sandwiches.
I slept most of the afternoon in A’s arms because I was exhausted from the flight and we made love and watched movies in bed for hours. It was lovely.
I will admit, that it is strange being back home with him, it is amazing, but it is strange, as if we need to get used to each other again and get comfortable again.
Last time I catch the bus in Israel.
I catch the Metropoline bus from Mitzpe Ramon to Beersheva and I just stare out the window. I honestly cannot believe that I fly him today after two months of travelling this across this magical country. This country that will forever hold a piece of my heart. I stare out the window at the endless landscape of desert mountains. The desert doesn’t always look the same, the richness is so alive, the scenery changes with almost every turn. From a clear blue sky contrasting with red sandy mountains and smooth rocky cliffs, the closer we get to Beersheva the greener it becomes and the sans are lighter shades of taupes and browns. These montains that hold some of my tears and my screams that I scream as I got to the top of a difficult climb.
I’m just in time to catch the train so I at least don’t have to wait for a long time in the train station. The trains are so spacious in Israel, which helps with all my luggage. I’ve had to sell half my belongings just to fit all the gifts in that I bought for everyone.
I arrive at the airport and before the luggage drop off and being issued my ticket I get asked a million questions. In typical Israeli fashion, each person gets asked a string of questions and my heart bleeds for the poor Canadian girl to my right who has spent about 15minutes being questioned and all I keep thinking to myself is ‘please let me get someone else for the questioning, please don’t let me be questioned by the woman who is harassing the poor Canadian girl’.
And luckily I wasn’t, but I was still questioned and my god did I try to be charming. The questions are as follows:
‘Where in Israel did you travel?’
‘Are you Jewish?’ – I lied and said my grandmother is Jewish, yes ok, I lied in the holy land.
‘Can you speak hebrew?’
‘Can you read or write Hebrew?’
‘Why were you in Turkey?’
‘Where did you stay in Turkey? Do you have family and friends there?’
‘Is there someone we can contact in Israel to prove you were with them?’
‘Did anyone give you any gifts? Are you sure?’
And so on and so on…
Eventually made it through…