If you don’t love me at my worst then you don’t deserve me at my best – Day 18

So today has been a tad strange – many happy and fun moments but a gloomy cloud lurking above me never the less.

A and I never discussed our relationship – so I guess we are still just friends. Friends who sleep together, talk every day, say they miss each other and speak about all the things we are going to do together when I get back. So we are friends. I want to act all nonchalant and cavalier about this but my anxious girly mind can’t stop itself from worrying what is going on in the relationship.

The way I have felt the past two days – I am going to go home and A is going to realize what a worthless person I am, ugly and fat with no direction. A girl who is just a child and always will be, incapable of even controlling herself around a humane right like food.  Then he will leave me – like he rightly should because he deserves more. He deserves someone who actually has their shit together, who can deal with this thing called ‘life’.

My god…

Am I feeling like a pile of dirt today…

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