You drove by me today.
My ex husband drove past me in the traffic today and ironically he was wearing the shirt that he wore to our wedding. Blue with fine white stripes. I remember that I loved the way that shirt looked on him, the way it brought out the blue shade in his eyes.
The side mirror on the right side of his car was completely wrecked – I wonder what happened. I found myself hoping that he would look in my direction and see me, I wonder if we would have smiled, or waved, I know I would have, I wonder what his reaction might have been..
It feels strange to think that just a year ago I was in a complete different space in life. How so much has changed… Last year this time, he was away on a business trip actually and I was in the worst stage of my eating disorder, binging and purging up to 6 times a day – ironically I also had the flu – like I do now. My anxiety was at its absolute worse, my panic attacks were frequent and I felt that I was stuck in limbo. I didn’t realise how easy it was to lose the woman I was. She slipped out of my grasp without me even realising it. My confident core slowly faded into nothing day by day with each low blow. I had never felt so alone in my life and so lost. I was so scared of what the future had to hold.
But here I am, a year later, and I found her again.
And I hope that my ex husband is sleeping soundly tonight and that he is happy and that he feels he belongs and that he feels calm and warm inside.