You drove by me today.
My ex husband drove past me in the traffic today and ironically he was wearing the shirt that he wore to our wedding. Blue with fine white stripes. I remember that I loved the way that shirt looked on him, the way it brought out the blue shade in his eyes.
The side mirror on the right side of his car was completely wrecked – I wonder what happened. I found myself hoping that he would look in my direction and see me, I wonder if we would have smiled, or waved, I know I would have, I wonder what his reaction might have been..
It feels strange to think that just a year ago I was in a complete different space in life. How so much has changed… Last year this time, he was away on a business trip actually and I was in the worst stage of my eating disorder, binging and purging up to 6 times a day – ironically I also had the flu – like I do now. My anxiety was at its absolute worse, my panic attacks were frequent and I felt that I was stuck in limbo. I didn’t realise how easy it was to lose the woman I was. She slipped out of my grasp without me even realising it. My confident core slowly faded into nothing day by day with each low blow. I had never felt so alone in my life and so lost. I was so scared of what the future had to hold.
But here I am, a year later, and I found her again.
And I hope that my ex husband is sleeping soundly tonight and that he is happy and that he feels he belongs and that he feels calm and warm inside.
Ending the chapter with you is my favorite way…
Bride driving me insane. She is now called the bride as my friend has become bridezilla.
I hadn’t seen A since Tuesday because we both had such busy weeks that we kept missing each other.
It was like heaven being in his arms again.
We just spent the afternoon and evening in bed together.
Making love and staring into each others eyes.
When he was looking at me, his eyes were soft and warm and gentle and adoring. It felt amazing to be admired in that way again.
There were no fireworks or sparks.
It’s just happening slowly and naturally.
Finding love where it wasn’t supposed to be – right in front of me.
It’s as if I am uncomfortable being happy or something.
I have got so used to the opposite, that I find the calm strange…
The reality of the situation is that this isn’t going to last. A and I aren’t going to last. I know that and he knows that. And I wouldn’t expect it to last. I don’t even think we are compatible.
We have so much fun together and it’s amazing. But I have to be realistic and I know I am maybe being negative, but I’m not the naive girl I was…
For now though I will enjoy it and live in every moment with him.
It’s really tough when for as long as you can remember, you have placed all your self worth on your body. If you aren’t thin then you aren’t worthy; but you aren’t worthy so you will never be thin enough anyway.
I feel like a stranger in my own skin, when I am at the gym I often want to stop mid workout because I get repulsed by my body.
I have studied my body extensively over the past ten years that I know exactly what it looks like at all times. I am painfully aware of the amount of space I take up and the way my thighs look when I sit, the way my arms look and the way my tummy looks when I sit or stand. Now I am confused. I don’t recognise the person in the mirror, when I look down, the size of my thighs upset me and the curve of my bum makes me shudder.
But we have to keep on moving on and on…
I have to keep on loving myself no matter how challenging it may get.
This is me in this body, in this shell that I call my home. I love it now and I love it then and I will love it forever, it’s really all I have and I have to cherish it and care for it. No matter how difficult it seems.
My car broke down!
And it cost a fortune to fix it and I of course don’t have any money seeing as I spent my money on galavanting through Israel. So my parents had to help me out and then the voices started:
‘You will never amount to anything, you will never have enough money to pay for things like a real adult.’
‘You will always need someone to bail you out, you are a burden.’
And so on and so forth.
Also a few days ago, A told me that something sounded funny when I start my car and I should be safe and call him if I need help. Well I wanted to call him today but I didn’t. I instead just figured it out and organised the tow truck to collect me and found a mechanic and so on. Because I don’t want any favours from anyone because I feel that if someone helps me out I will have to repay them and I am honestly just not up for that.
My ex husband always made me feel guilty when he helped me out and made me feel that I had to repay him and I just can’t seem to shake that feeling.
Israel feels like a lifetime ago