Forget the mirror. Forget the folds when you pinch your sides, the days you spend wishing some parts of you will melt away, or disappear, pinch your neck, your arms, your thighs, take everything out. As a young girl you wished you could use knives to make it all disappear.
But you were always meant for so much more.
You’re a woman and you can do anything and achieve anything and be anything you want to be.
Its the century where we have the world at our hands and we chose to be thin and we chose to be pretty. Intelligence, kindeness, perseverance and strength didnt appeal because Anna and Mia defined strength as something else.
Forget them. Forget the mirrors and the whispers form others. The magazine covers, the false idea of beauty and strength. Forget them.
Clench your fists and tighten jaw and take it back. Be the woman you were born to be.
Life is too short to live one life and it’s way too short to waste. It’s too precious and its too special to spend all your energy on hatred for yourself. Life is a gift and your body is the only home you have. Why destroy your home?
Forget what they say because it doesn’t matter.
You can be whoever you decide to be. Take back what the illnesses stole and be the woman you were born to be.
I didn’t do much today, I didn’t do nearly as much as I wanted and that’s ok.
I binged a lot.
I made an appointment with my psychologist for the first time after 6 months.
I don’t think I really need to go that badly, because it’s a small slip up, but only good can come from going to a session and getting my mind cleared and getting an objective view on everything.
This past week at home hasn’t been the greatest. Not sure if I was lonely and missed everyone or because I’m anxious about work or because I decided I’d lose weight this week and I actually landed up gaining…Possibly its a combination of all three.
So I have an appointment Tuesday afternoon when I get back to the city.
I’m not going to tell my parents that I’m going back to therapy because I just don’t want them to worry right now, they think I’m much better and I am, it’s just a slip up.
I will tell A, I don’t know how or when but I feel I probably will. I don’t know what he will say, I just don’t want to keep it from him as its a big deal and its a part of me and I have to be open about it because I need him on my team.
Today was better…
Got work done which was great.
Naturally I’m having second the collection and the colors and the styles and everything and it’s frustrating…and it always happens when I design.
Today was bad again…
Biscuits for days…
Will the cycle ever end? No probably not.
Today hasnt been great.
Binging again, but no purging and thats a silver lining.
I just so badly need this collection to be perfect and I have so much weighing on this that I lost the fun and the excitement and I’ve become stressed and pressured. An you know what – its not going to be perfect, and it shouldnt be perfect either.
Next week this time I would have moved into my new studio… and thats scary yes but it should be exciting as well.
It’s a new begining 🙂
Today I took two naps, ate around 3000calories before 12pm and then I ate lunch as well. Restricted the rest of the day of course and only started doing work around 3pm.
Went for a nice long walk and then bathed and now in bed by 8pm already.
I miss A.
I’m struggling home alone…
Its strange being here without my family. Today I worked in the office a bit and then the afternoon I started working on the patterns for my collection and my motivation isnt flying as high as it has been recently! So I’m a little worried, but I suppose we can’t be switched on 24/7.
Also I have been binging…
I’m home for a week because my parents have gone to Namibia and my brother is in Australia, so I’ve come home to help with the family business while they gone.
Just arrived home and the house is hauntingly quiet, I’m not used to being here alone. But I’m snuggling with the dogs and drinking wine and catching up on my tv.
It was so hard saying bye to A.
It’s funny, it all started as friends, then there were benefits and now I find myself in love, spending time with him every day. Meeting all the family and friends, making plans with him.
I’m starting to get so attached that its hard spending one night apart.