Came home to the farm today.
I don’t know why I am so emotional lately and my mum can sense it. She often asks if I’m ok and I promise her that I am, even though I just want to burst into tears all the time.
Guilt plagues me and I’m constantly scared something is going to happen.
Like a little child, I feel I might get into trouble at any moment.
I don’t know if it’s just the anxiety from starting a new relationship and a business. Or if its because a year ago my life fell apart and the trauma is effecting me now. Maybe a combination of everything.
Out there I feel as if i am drowning but when I’m in your arms my heart is flooded with calm.
Every so often I still stop and think about how lucky I am.
How something so simple has turned into something so magical.
I only cry in front of my mom, dad and brother.
I cried in A’s arms.
It was the first time I ever cried in front of him. It was also the first time I cried in front of my partner and didn’t get into trouble for it. He was just quiet and held me and promised me that everything was going to be ok, even better than ok, everything was going to be perfect.
Things just getting a bit much at the moment.
I am so scared.
The way I am falling in love with A.
Its exactly a year ago that my marriage fell apart. I remember it clearly because my dad was in Namibia at the time and he goes at the same time every year. He left this past Sunday.
All the feelings and emotions just came flooding back and have overwhelmed me.
Made me realise what a risk it was being with A, and starting this relationship and its brought all my fears to the surface. So many what ifs. So may doubts, a voice in my head telling me that it could all disappear in an instance. Telling me that it could be taken away from me.
And I am so horrified.
The feelings I have for him. How wonderful he is. How lucky I am.
I never want to lose what we have.
I’m really struggling at work.
I think I was a little in over my head when I took the job. The woman that was in the position before me was working at the company for 15 years. I’ve only been working for 3 years.
I’m not meeting the deadlines. I’m working too slowly and I am clearly not experienced enough for this job. It’s fast paced and I’m struggling to keep up.
I just feel disappointed in myself…and it makes me sad and I just want to cry every time I think about it.
It makes me feel like a failure.
Weekends snuggling in the cold are the best
I am so hungover I could cry.
Amazing night though 🙂
‘But you just ignored me!’ I exclaimed.
He pursed his lips together and then said ‘I couldn’t ignore you even if I tried, You’re the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen. I just want you with me all the time. I don’t ever want you to be with anyone. I just want you to be mine. Forever.’
‘I am yours, I’m all yours’.
‘Thats awesome’ he said grinning ear to ear. ‘Thats so awesome’.
I’m an anxious wreck this morning.
Yesterday I heard on the radio that anxiety is on the rise and they explained anxiety as excessive worry. But I’ve never viewed my anxiety as worry, it’s not a thousand worrying thoughts rushing through my head. Yes there is worry, but its more physical. Physically my insides are shaky, worry flows through my veins and I feel my eyes might pop out my head, my stomach hollow and my throat tight.
It’s more physical than anything else.
Whats getting to me is this:
Things are good now. I have a job and I’m opening my own business. I have an incredible boyfriend.
But the anxiety and depression is hovering like a fucking bitch.
There was the divorce and that I understood – of course I would be anxious and depressed and have a bad relapse into my eating disorder. But now things are good, now things are great and these bitches are still hovering.