I woke up at 01:45am this morning and I couldn’t go back to sleep.
Thoughts about my divorce just kept flying through my brain. The reasons, the things my ex husband said, the bulimia, my mom and dad crying with me in a parking lot. All those thoughts just flooded me and I was overpowered by shame.
I kept panicking about what A’s parents are going to say when they find out. Will they like me less and respect me less.
Sometimes I just feel so much guilt because I feel that A is the sweetest most incredible man and he deserves to be with a woman who wants the pretty white dress and who has idealistic views and is still naive and filled with innocence. I know this is just my ex husbands voice speaking to me, telling me that I am used up goods. I just can’t help these thoughts however.
I’m terrified of what his family will think when they find out about the eating disorder and the depression and the divorce.
I know I shouldn’t feel this shame, because my past is a part of me. And if it wasn’t for my past I wouldn’t be with A right now. So it has all happened for a reason.
It’s the past and it’s over and it does not define me. Yet It causes me a lot of anxiety as to what they will think when they find out the truth about me.
I still cant get used to saying that!
Maybe because I am making no money or because its still all so surreal and I do feel as if I am just playing the fool.
Our collection is coming along slowly but surely and I’ve made a range of jackets that my mom is going to try sell which will be great.
I am scared I will admit. Scared of failing and possibly even more afraid of succeeding.
Went to the clinic today to visit one of my best friends. Her diagnosis is now a dual diagnoses for bipolar disorder and alcoholism. So she has been moved to a different unit.
It was really great visiting her, she is doing so well. Albeit very anxious and stressed of course, but the therapy is really working and she is working so hard and dealing with everything so well.
I am so proud of her 🙂
I have started eating all my meals again and snacks and going to gym.
It feels great.
I want to be healthy and balanced! I feel so much better when I am nourishing my body instead of punishing it. It makes a difference to every aspect i my life.
Had such a lovely day!
Went to lunch at my best friends house and A came with.
It was great seeing them and it was like old times, like when I was living with them. Light hearted and warm 🙂
Things have been so much better since I’ve been on meds.
I feel light and calm and in control of my life.
I imagine this is what everyone feels like.
I go through bouts of feeling anxious, but I feel able to handle it and I tell A I’m feeling anxious and he is so supportive. Just gives me a hug and says its ok. He doesnt judge it or try to fix it 🙂
I’ve been eating all day…
Probably because I’m on my period. But still, why am I eating so much.
Work is a bit rough…
All the money I made from my last job has been spent on paying the monthly bills and now I’m broke. And it sucks.
I’m a bit stressed I will admit.
One of my best friends was hospitalised today.
I went to drop her off at the psychiatric ward earlier this evening.
Its been a long time coming.
I must say, this weekend has been so lovely. Of course its terrible that A is sick, but its been so nice to spend the whole weekend together in a home. Cooking and eating and laying on the couch.
Its been nice to look after him too.
I really miss being a wife I will admit it.
I miss having someone with me, cooking and chatting and spending time together.
My poor A is so sick, we spent the day on the couch drinking lemon tea and watching tennis.