Today I decided to spring clean my flat…
I found many things, like shopping in my own wardrobe, notebooks, memories…
I found my wedding rings, my wedding photos, my guestbook and my wedding dress.
I read through every message that every guest wrote. Everyone was so loving and the messages touched my heart deeply. People had so much love for us as a couple and we had so much love for each other.
Where did the love go?
I don’t know.
But I remember it so clearly.
The way our hands interlocked, the way we sang in the car together and drank wine while cooking. How we made love at midnight under the moon in our garden, how we took baths together and the way he smelt. The way he would give me medicine when I was sick and tucked me into bed.
That is what I’m remembering.
There was so much hate and so much trauma – up until today I don’t think I fully grasp how much trauma it was. I still don’t think I realise what a struggle it was. I have the memories and the scars of the hurt and the pain.
But the trauma is something that follows you after a divorce. The fears you now have for your new relationships. You carry certain beliefs with you that your ex made you believe but went true. You’re scared and a bit skeptic and I think that is where the trauma and the hurt lies. Its what you carry with you and I think it will probably take me a while, maybe a few years even…until I fully get passed everything…
For now, I’m trying to remember the beautiful parts that shined and not the sadness and hate.