Maybe not dying?
But not being around anymore. Sometimes I imagine it all ending.
No me, no world, no problems, no work, no stress, no worry, no fear, no heartache.
I’ve even imagined ways in which I would die – I wouldnt kill myself, but I wouldnt mind dying sometimes.
I have been told by many a friend and family member that they are so proud of me for going off my medication. They are so impressed by how strong I am.
Well I’m not strong…
I’ve been back on my meds for 3 months already. I haven’t told a soul. Not even my mom and not even A.
Because I’m not strong for going off meds and I’m not weak for going back on either.
I have an illness and I’m drinking medication for it. And I am so happy that I am. Because drinking the medication makes the world of a differnece. And I don’t see why I need to explain that to anyone and why I need to be labeled weak or strong.
It is what it is.
I drink medication for anxiety and depression.
Who gives a fuck.
This is the first post in the new year of my blog and its a shit one – I apologise.
When I got divorced I learnt what the most important things in life were to me.
Love and family…
And now I wonder whats the point of stress and work and negativity and whats the point of everything. Love and family are the two most important things in my life – cant I sit and do that all day ?
This is a very negative way to start the new year of my blog – but it is what it is.
Work sucks, its hard and its a struggle and I have so much doubt and fear in me…its so overwhelming that I find it so much easier to just stare at all the work instead of actually doing it.
My blog turns 1 year old today 🙂
I cannot believe this blog has been going for a year already and I cant believe everything thats happened.
How much I have grown and how much the blog has grown.
In the past year:
Moved into my own flat,
Quit my job,
Recovery for eating disorder – still doing this,
Backpacked through Israel solo,
Started a relationship with the most wonderful man,
Started a business
Blogged every day for a year
And probably a whole lot more 😉
I’m so proud and grateful to every single follower and reader, Thanks so much for all your love and support 🙂
Went to breakfast with my best friend and then spent the rest of Sunday watching olympics 🙂 and we went for a run and took quite a few naps 😉
I get woken up by a phone call from A…
‘Hello’ I answer
‘How are you’ he asks softly, I can hear he just woke up and is half asleep and confused.
‘I’m so sorry, I don’t know what happened, I was being such a show off and a douche and now I woke up and my bunz isn’t here with’ he says sighing,
‘Thats because bunz is at bitch avenue’ I say and I swear he can hear me shaking my heads as my lips start to tremble and I can feel my tears are about to escape.
‘I’m so sorry’
‘Do you want to see me today?’ he asks desperately.
‘I do, I’ll shower and get dressed, I just need a little time to think and I’ll be there’.
Crawled back into bed and cried… There is a part of me that wants to rip his head off. A part of me that is furious and hurt and distraught. Then there is my heart that accepts the apology and loves him still and forgives him and knows that I need to keep going. A part of me that will allow one fight and forgive him and move on.
When I got to his house he was still sleeping. He held me, said sorry. Said it would never happen again and he hates being the reason I cry.
‘I was so terrified that you were going to walk in and say its over and leave’ he said sadly.
‘My bunz, don’t think I’m going to give up on us so easily, just because you were an idiot for one night, doesn’t mean its going to ruin this. We’re worth so much more than that!’ I said and kissed him on his forehead 🙂
He took us for breakfast and the hard-rock cafe and bought me a t shirt to say sorry 🙂
Went out last night. A got drunk and he got mean – which is strange, because even at his drunkest he has somehow managed to always remain sweet and loving.
We waited for the uber, and I asked if he had the house keys, and then…
‘Not a fuck am I giving you my house keys’ he said.
Well now I was just like huh? and in a shock.
Got into the uber and we gave his address and there was bitter banter fighting when the uber driver said ‘I can sense real love here’
Danielle: “Definitely from my side’
And what does A say?????????
‘Not from my side’ he said raising his brows.
‘Ok then, well I think its best that I go home then’ I said in tears, by now I was a complete mess.
‘Yes, home to bitch avenue’ Said A.
So at 01;35 I packed my bags, put him to bed, and I drove home in tears.
A’s parents have gone to London to visit his sisters. His dad will be gone for 2 weeks and his mum for 6 weeks in total.
We have the house all to ourselves 🙂
This is strange I know, but lately I have a fear of someone dying. I have this strange fear that someone close to me is going to die…