What rhymes with hug me, must be rugby – Day 2

Super-RUgby-Ball-640x320.jpgSpent the day with my best friend in the morning and then went to rugby with A and his parents in the afternoon and dinner with them 🙂

A’s favourite team is in the semi final next week and he is so excited. Its the cutest thing to watch him 🙂

Thank you – PART 12 Day 1

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Today I decided to spring clean my flat…

I found many things, like shopping in my own wardrobe, notebooks, memories…

I found my wedding rings, my wedding photos, my guestbook and my wedding dress.

I read through every message that every guest wrote. Everyone was so loving and the messages touched my heart deeply. People had so much love for us as a couple and we had so much love for each other.

Where did the love go?

I don’t know.

But I remember it so clearly.

The way our hands interlocked, the way we sang in the car together and drank wine while cooking. How we made love at midnight under the moon in our garden, how we took baths together and the way he smelt. The way he would give me medicine when I was sick and tucked me into bed.

That is what I’m remembering.

There was so much hate and so much trauma – up until today I don’t think I fully grasp how much trauma it was. I still don’t think I realise what a struggle it was. I have the memories and the scars of the hurt and the pain.

But the trauma is something that follows you after a divorce. The fears you now have for your new relationships. You carry certain beliefs with you that your ex made you believe but went true. You’re scared and a bit skeptic and I think that is where the trauma and the hurt lies. Its what you carry with you and I think it will probably take me a while, maybe a few years even…until I fully get passed everything…

For now, I’m trying to remember the beautiful parts that shined and not the sadness and hate.

I give away all the power – Day 24

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In therapy today my psychologist pointed out that I always give people the power. I don’t take the lead even when its my right.

With work for example, I put all the power into my partners hands and don’t take control of the situation.

I’m always afraid of being the bad one. So I’ll let people take advantage of me over and over again all in the name of being a ‘nice person?

I do it at work and in relationships and basically every day life.

She suggested to listen to my body. If I have to make a decision I should always go with my gut – whether that outcome benefits the other person or not. Because in the end I’m just hurting myself…

Well…What does this mean for business – Day 23

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Only a month and a half ago I started my own business and I’m sharing the studio space with an ex colleague and friend.

We’re also doing a ready to wear collection together.

She missed rent last month…

Today she found out she is three months pregnant.

Well…

Babies are awesome. But when they unplanned its tricky. And when its someone you working with and they owe you money its even more tricky…

Because babies play on my emotions. And now I don’t know how to be business like and get the money.

I don’t feel guilty – Day 22

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I spend every night with A usually except Mondays because he plays soccer and then I catch up on all my admin work. It feels strange being in bed alone, I miss him. I’ve become so attached.

I went to gym 6 times last week – whoop whoop! But then didn’t go today because I had strange back pain.

I just had chocolate brownies for dinner – and I don’t feel guilty. Not even a little…

Love at Tenpin Bowling – Day 19

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I went to collect A around 4 this afternoon and we went to the mall and had frozen yogurt and went bowling. It was so much fun, felt like we were teenagers, giggling and kissing at the bowling, him trying to show me how to play because I was useless.

We then went for cocktails and came home and watched movies and made love.

It was so magical 🙂