Now this is a really big deal…
My ex husband was convinced that I couldn’t keep anything alive. So I became convinced that I was unable to keep a plant alive. I would always buy pot plants and they would always die – I mean always. And my garden was also always dying.
Clearly this was all due to a bad energy.
Because now I somehow managed to have a new flower bloom on my orchid.
How typical of the universe.
Last week I posted about my concern that A and I spend way too much time together and I’m starting to wonder if its a good thing. Well…now I haven’t seen him for 3 nights in a row because I’ve been so busy at work.
Strangely its been good. I miss his a hell of a lot and its awful not seeing his smile everyday but I’ve been doing so much work, and spending time at my house and reading and actually hanging out with me again 🙂
Saw him this evening and it was magic 🙂 he was smiling so much and giggled when we kissed and when I asked whats funny, he simply said ‘nothing, I’m just really happy :)’
Its amazing to be back in his arms.
Its been a year since I’ve been living alone and the separation and so on.
Only now am I starting to feel like myself again.
I feel as if I have completely moved on and let go of the past. I’m starting to fall in love with myself again and respect and nurture myself.
And I’m focusing on my career and my dreams again.
It’s all coming together.
Spent the day with my mum, shopping. It was amazing!
Today was my shoot for my Spring/Summer Collection.
It was awesome and now I am so exhausted, from all the emotions – because Danielle cant do anything without it turning into a roller coaster of emotions. Also because the shoot took 5 hours!
The model was so lovely and the photographer too – they absolutely loved my clothes which was amazing because I judge myself so harshly that I often stop to think about the actual designs and the work – I just think about the fact that its my work and I already see a thousand flaws. But seeing the clothes today with them, and viewing everything through fresh eyes made me feel a bit proud of it all.
My mom also came to the city, 500km’s away to help with my shoot and support me which was so incredibly special 🙂 she brought wine and we all made a toast.
Such a special day.
Tomorrow is my photo shoot and I’m really excited but really nervous!
So much has happened in a year.
I’ve been living in the flat behind my uncles house for a year now – when I moved in after the divorce I said it would be 6 months and now I have been there for a year already.
But I feel like me again.
Things are simple again.
I go to the gym and I have breakfast. I go to work and I actually enjoy it. Then I have dinner and hang out with my boyfriend.
And tomorrow I do the same thing again. And you know what – its awesome.
Things are simple and light and happy.
I no longer feel that I cant breath and there isn’t a shadow of depression constantly following me anymore. There isn’t an eating disorder chatting away in my head 24/7 telling me I’m worthless. And there’s no divorce or husband continuously making me feel like a failure.
Its just me and the simple things in life.
I randomly thought about cutting today. For the first time in months the thought self harming. There was no trigger and there was no urge, it was just a thought and it was an attractive thought.
The thing is that I’m 26 years old and cutting seems childish? Its as if society has labeled cutting as a form of self harm that is associated with teenagers, but its definitely a form of self harm that is favoured among adults as well.
The last time I cut was in March when I was in Israel and I was going through such a rough time. I cut myself twice on my left thigh and I’m still bearing the scars and I’ll admit that I do feel slightly self conscious about them.
But yesterday I thought about cutting myself on that same left thigh. I though about the way the blade would slash thin lines across my skin and it would sting the blood would slowly start to appear, in the form of little droplets along the cut lines.
I am sad to admit, but it seems so appealing.
Photoshoot is booked for Saturday – a lot of my garments aren’t even finished yet though but will get there.
Spent the afternoon with the photographer, my cousin, planning everything for the shoot.
I am starting to get really excited, really nervous, but I’m happy that its finally happening and I’m finally taking this step 🙂