Pressure – Day 21

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A has made it quite clear that he wants to take things slow and I really need to take things slow.

I however don’t know what thats like. I know how to be in a couple, because for the past 5 years of my life, I’ve been in a couple. I don’t know how to plan things without my partner and I don’t know how to be chill. I have no idea.

My parents have an opportunity to take me with to Namibia for a mini holiday and for business and they’ve invited A to come with. He however has booked for a festival that weekend with friends. Now I naturally want him to come with me to Namibia. But can I ask him to cancel with his friends? Can I ask him to choose me? Well yes of course I can but its only been almost 6 months that we’ve been dating – soooo?

Am I moving to fast now?

Can I ask him to join me, if he says no, I’ll be upset? Of course my mum already said surely he can cancel a trip with friends for a trip to a different country? Well yes, mum he can, but should he?

My anxiety is eating me up alive.

I cant do this. I just cant. I want everything to be simple. I want to be single or married. I cant do this dating thing.

Remember the first time you saw snow – Day 20

For me – I was 26 years old and it was in January this year in Istanbul, Turkey.

And it was magic.

The day that I touched down in Istanbul, Ataturk airport at 05:55am on a Tuesday morning. I will never ever forget it.

I had no plan, just booked into a hotel and walked through the city. My hair soaked, my clothes soaked and by the end of the day even my socks were sopping wet and I had to land up buying more long sleeve shirts because I was not prepared.

I grew up on a farm, in the heat. And snow has always been such a foreign concept to me. Until today I still have never seen snow that is really deep and really thick. But I saw some snow in Istanbul and I will never ever forget that day.

It will always remain one of the happiest days of my life 🙂

Thank you for trusting me – Day 19

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Since I was a little girl I have been free to be whoever I want to be. My parents have never told me who to be, how to act or what I should be doing with my life.

The result of this has been that I have been able to make my own mistakes and I have made so many mistakes and I have learned so many life lessons.

I was allowed to dye my hair pink, take art instead of maths, get married to someone they didn’t approve of 100%, drop out of studying psychology, travelled to Israel by myself and camped alone in a foreign country. I’ve started my own business and I’ve got tattoos, I’ve been broke and I’ve had money.

All because they trusted me to make my own decisions.

And there are times that I wish things were a lot more simple, but things could have been so much worse. SO MUCH WORSE. I am so fortunate to have this life that I have, and to live this life and I honestly wouldnt change it for anything in the world!

I actually love myself – Day 17

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My relationships, work, my future, the world – its all more important now and its what matters.

There was a time where what I ate and how much I worked out ruled above everything. feeding my eating disorder was more important than spending time with my loved ones and more important than the creative work I produce.

When I thought about who I was – the only thought that came to mind was fat. And my goal was thin. It breaks my heart to think that for so many years I found being thin more important than everything else in my life.

Fitting – Day 16

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Today was the fitting with my model for the photoshoot and the clothes looked absolutely stunning on her.

For the first time in a long time I actually got excited about it all. My clothing actually inspired me again because it was as if I was looking at everything through fresh eyes again.