Today A moved into his sisters old room – its in the corner of the house far from everything else. It has a bigger bed and a bigger bathroom and a patio 🙂
So we spent the day moving all A’s things. I sleep at his house 6 days away – so now my side of the bed has ornaments and books on instead of rubies cubes and car models.
When he says forever – does he mean forever.
Forever is a long time.
I want him forever.
But forever is a strong weird and I find myself freezing on the inside when he says forever. Its like our hearts are burning like fire when we’re together, but when he says forever I freeze. Because I want to be frozen with him forever, but also because the way he makes me feel terrifies me and I freeze.
I’ve decided to do a resort collection.
Excited and feeling inspired.
Financially work is going well and I have some extra money that I want to pump into another collection for two reasons. Firstly because I feel clients are becoming less because the previous collection is now old news lol. Secondly, I need to design and create or I start to feel as if I am stagnating.
Guess who has been working out almost daily and has actually lost a bit of weight.
In a healthy way with no obsessions.
No restrictions. No negative self talk. No body shaming. No overcompensating.
Remember that South African girl that went to Israel to find herself. With no plan and a tent on her back. She hiked around the sea of Galilee, slept on either side of the Jordan river. Hiked in the desert.
I hardly remember her.
It feels like a different lifetime.
The adventure, the blisters on my feet, the depression, the laughs, the trees and the smells. It all seems like a lifetime ago.
I was so lost and confused I thought – but I was just me all along. I never lost myself. I just discovered new fragments of myself. I just learned and I suffered and I cried in ways I didn’t imagine possible. Not crying tears, but literally crying in my soul.
But I left all the horrors there.
My last night in the desert – I left all that horror and that pain and fear in the Rhamakesh crater at Mitzpe Ramon. I left it all behind.