The minute K sat down at our table I wanted to kiss her. Bright green hair with the perfect amount of freckles, her tiny petite frame and body that I’d always dreamt of calling my own. A nose ring that I could never pull off and a smile that immediately had me wishing that I was the reason for her smiling. The parting of her lips breathing me in slowly. I was in a haze of smoke and her and I had no idea what was going on as I had never been attracted to a girl and never once even thought of kissing a girl. Not even as an experiment or a joke or a dare. It wasn’t something I was interested in.
She wasn’t a girl, she was a soul. A soul that I needed to know.
I know love has no gender and no bounds and no rules, but I knew that I would break her heart and inevitably leave her for a man. And there will never be a single moment where I wonder if it was my preconceived idea of this happening that made me end our relationship or if it was truly my heart that made the decision. Was it me or was it the way I was conditioned in a world where girls didn’t marry girls. Of course I knew gay couples, had gay friends, understood pansexuality and supported pride.
There was just something stopping me and kept making me think that I couldn’t love a girl forever and that I wouldn’t feel fulfilled. Maybe if I ignored life, maybe if we were in an alternate universe where it was just us two it would be different.
I replayed our time together in my mind for months, I still do, I probably will forever. I used to lay in the bath surrounded by candles and covered in bubbles, music playing and the familiar scent of lemon grass in the air. Flashes of us appearing in front of me. Wishing that I could freeze our time together in a glass ball that I could put on my shelf and look at everyday. Shaking it every time and instead of sparkles or snow flakes falling, a new memory would appear.
Flashes of her naked skin, holding her in my arms as we fell asleep, the softest goose bumps on her arms when the fan blew in our direction. The sound of her laugh echoing in my mind, the time we danced in my garden, kissing, drunk on wine and spinning around in each others arms. DIY projects with the washing line, me telling her to use her common sense and the smirk on her face when she snapped back and said ‘you’re in a mood today’. Kissing passionately in the kitchen while creating heavenly meals and then getting too drunk and passing out before we even ate. Baths that lasted for hours, rubbing each others shoulders with the latest exfoliating scrub I’d discover, kissing and gripping each others hair.
I don’t know what it was, or when or how or why.
All I knew was that I could never ever hurt the only girl I ever loved and that was enough of a reason to go.