Thanks to everyone who still follows and thank you to the new followers that I have gained during my absence – Its been 3 months.
I’ve started a blog for my business and it would mean the world to me if all my loyal followers could check it out 🙂
NEW BLOG FOR THE BUSINESS
You guys have been with me through it all. Through the divorce and the eating disorder and when I decided to start the business. Through this blog I have received so much help with my anxiety especially with everyones comments and posts about their own struggles. I really hope that you will all continue to keep following me on this journey 🙂
A, my boyfriend, for those of you who forgot haha – came home with me to my family for Christmas and it was so wonderful. We’re still together and its been a year guys 🙂 and I fall more and more in love with him even day – I know how cliche that sounds, but its true.
My business is doing well 🙂
It feels like things are going slowly – but they actually aren’t if I look back. If I look back to 3 months ago when I did my last post a lot has happened. And it seems like my business has actually just grown overnight.
- I’ve moved into a new studio and its marvelous
- I got into my first store – and thats why I have been so quiet. I had to design an A/W collection and send all the samples for review and then they liked me 🙂 so I am supplying them for winter for my winter collection. Which is huge because this store holds a lot of the top designers in the country, SA, and to showcase my clothing alongside them is such a blessing.
- I’ve become a huge advocate for the fashion revolution and I’m the official face of the Fashion Revolution at Fashion Week SA which is in a weeks time – this is so super exciting!
- My brother got married and I made my sister in laws dress and she looked absolutely stunning 🙂
Thats about it 🙂 and my hair os blonde now and I still struggle with food and have been to the gym about 5 times this year…eeek
I promise to try my best to post more regularly!
I have just released the lookbook for my latest collection and I hate it.
It isn’t nearly as good as my last collection – it isn’t getting as many likes and people aren’t contacting me.
Who am I kidding to think I can even be a fashion designer? That I can actually make money off this? That people will actually wear my clothes.
I am heading down a negative spiral!
Of course I know how unhealthy these thoughts are and that I need to be kind to myself – but the anxiety is just taking over.
Literally blogging from KrsipyKreme
Resort collection used quite a bit of money…
Today I bought fabrics for my new orders and my bank balance has now slipped into the negatives. Thankfully a very spontaneous woman popped into my studio today and she wants a skirt so thats a tiny bit of money at least. But its not enough to cover medical expenses, pay for my storage unit – where all my furniture from my marriage is just stagnating and sucking up my funds, also the my phone, gym… and so on.
I have 7 days to get in new orders and make money?
So I’m sitting binging on mini Swiss rolls and browsing through my room looking for things that I could potentially sell for some extra cash?
Holding thumbs when the resort collection is released on Monday, I get lots of traffic!
Guess who has been working out almost daily and has actually lost a bit of weight.
In a healthy way with no obsessions.
No restrictions. No negative self talk. No body shaming. No overcompensating.
Remember that South African girl that went to Israel to find herself. With no plan and a tent on her back. She hiked around the sea of Galilee, slept on either side of the Jordan river. Hiked in the desert.
I hardly remember her.
It feels like a different lifetime.
The adventure, the blisters on my feet, the depression, the laughs, the trees and the smells. It all seems like a lifetime ago.
I was so lost and confused I thought – but I was just me all along. I never lost myself. I just discovered new fragments of myself. I just learned and I suffered and I cried in ways I didn’t imagine possible. Not crying tears, but literally crying in my soul.
But I left all the horrors there.
My last night in the desert – I left all that horror and that pain and fear in the Rhamakesh crater at Mitzpe Ramon. I left it all behind.
I guess I need to be proud of that?
Instead of beating myself up for not eating healthy and skipping gym and having parties where I drink a bit too much.
Instead realize how far you’ve come?
I’ll get there. Eventually I will get back to where I want to be and I will be the best version of myself. It hasn’t even been a full year since my divorce was finalized so I guess I cant expect myself to be 100% just yet – and I cant expect myself to be the way I was before it all fell apart. I’ll get there, eventually I’ll get to a place that I am proud of and a routine and lifestyle that I can actually keep up with.
I’m healthy now – mentally I have ups and downs but I am nowhere near where I used to be – mentally I am a different person. I have my own business and while its hard its better than where I was. And the best thing…I have the most wonderful loving boyfriend and I am so grateful for that.
I need routine.
I really struggle without routine, I feel all over the place and as if I have no structure and no direction and everything is just a mess.
But every time I get into a good routine it lasts about 2-3 weeks and then something happens like I get the flu or I go away or I randomly get depressed. Then I have to start all over again and its so frustrating because I think this is pretty much the way my life. Yes I can try keep things more organized but things are inevitably always going to go astray. My mom reckons the fact that I am aware of these patterns is already helpful. So its going to happen and it is what it is – just get back up again.
I suppose she is right.
Today it took me about three hours to actually get out of bed, shower, eat breakfast and actually just get ready to tackle the day. I woke up and I just couldn’t. Something as simple as showering seems as if its as big of a challenge as climbing a mountain.
All I want to do is sleep. But when I lay in bed this morning, not managing to get up, I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. It was as if I had pins and needles in my veins and blood and organs, as if anxiety was in my body and it wasn’t a symptom that I was feeling – it was actually inside me – a part of me. And all I want to do is climb out of my own skin.
Would it effect you if you skipped your antidepressant for one day?
I just forgot to drink it.
And is it the placebo effect or am I really an anxious wreck?
I don’t know what it is but its hell and I feel myself climbing back into that dark hole.
Now A’s whole family has seen all my tats – they seem fine with them – shocked and very surprised but they seem ok. I’m terrified though, obviously they think of me slightly different. Now imagine how my anxiety has completely spiraled out of control worrying about their reaction when they find out divorced or had an eating disorder and depression. I really love them and they like me – but they have absolutely no idea about my past and details about me. They think I’m sweet and innocent and come from a lovely family and I’m sweet and kind and all those lovely things – which I am of course, but I’m a lot more. – imagine the shock and suprise then…naturally I’m scared they don’t like me anymore and they don’t think I’m good enough.
Also a family friend of theirs thats an asshole was at dinner last night. Literally wouldn’t start asking me about tattoos all through dinner and making comments.