Today was my shoot for my Spring/Summer Collection.
It was awesome and now I am so exhausted, from all the emotions – because Danielle cant do anything without it turning into a roller coaster of emotions. Also because the shoot took 5 hours!
The model was so lovely and the photographer too – they absolutely loved my clothes which was amazing because I judge myself so harshly that I often stop to think about the actual designs and the work – I just think about the fact that its my work and I already see a thousand flaws. But seeing the clothes today with them, and viewing everything through fresh eyes made me feel a bit proud of it all.
My mom also came to the city, 500km’s away to help with my shoot and support me which was so incredibly special 🙂 she brought wine and we all made a toast.
Such a special day.
A has made it quite clear that he wants to take things slow and I really need to take things slow.
I however don’t know what thats like. I know how to be in a couple, because for the past 5 years of my life, I’ve been in a couple. I don’t know how to plan things without my partner and I don’t know how to be chill. I have no idea.
My parents have an opportunity to take me with to Namibia for a mini holiday and for business and they’ve invited A to come with. He however has booked for a festival that weekend with friends. Now I naturally want him to come with me to Namibia. But can I ask him to cancel with his friends? Can I ask him to choose me? Well yes of course I can but its only been almost 6 months that we’ve been dating – soooo?
Am I moving to fast now?
Can I ask him to join me, if he says no, I’ll be upset? Of course my mum already said surely he can cancel a trip with friends for a trip to a different country? Well yes, mum he can, but should he?
My anxiety is eating me up alive.
I cant do this. I just cant. I want everything to be simple. I want to be single or married. I cant do this dating thing.
In therapy today my psychologist pointed out that I always give people the power. I don’t take the lead even when its my right.
With work for example, I put all the power into my partners hands and don’t take control of the situation.
I’m always afraid of being the bad one. So I’ll let people take advantage of me over and over again all in the name of being a ‘nice person?
I do it at work and in relationships and basically every day life.
She suggested to listen to my body. If I have to make a decision I should always go with my gut – whether that outcome benefits the other person or not. Because in the end I’m just hurting myself…
I caught a bus to Tiberius and I have no fucking idea what I am doing here.
Like seriously. Who the fuck decides to backpack with no plan through a country that is a war zone?
Honestly I am sitting in a mall and I when I step out of this mall. I am not sure where I am heading to. I’m going to walk 10km’s to the Sea of Galilee and then what?
I am a moron.
Also I feel so bad about kissing the guy. Ugh I miss Andrew,
I didn’t tell Andrew exactly. But he knows, I gave him the just of it. He said
‘Look, just be free ok, live in the moment. I miss you. You going to be ok, you need this time for yourself and you need to just be wild and do whatever you want. You are in such a confused space, just be. You need this. When you get back, I will be here’
I think he is a saint.
I feel like I don’t deserve him sometimes. What did I do to get so lucky to have such a special person in my life.
Back to the city. Year starting again.
I feel content.
Drove by my house I shared with my husband and I just smiled…
‘It’s really worrying that you wearing lipstick’ he said while I was explaining to him that I had called the psychiatrists and I would help him go to therapy if he needed.
‘Can we have sex one more time? Just one more time?’ he pleaded and picked me up and put me on the kitchen counter. I pulled him closer and stared deeply into his eyes. Those green eyes I made love to, the eyes that held my heart and a thousand memories. My future was in those eyes. They now looked blank. He hadn’t slept in days since I left, he hadn’t eaten. He was jumpy and agitated and anxious.
We stared into each others eyes and started kissing slowly and then more passionately. Our eyes were closed, he was kissing my neck sending shivers down my spine. I wanted to get lost in him, get lost in us and what we were, but it was gone. It was lost. It was no longer there.
I pulled away.
‘One last time’ and he leaned down kissing my stomach and lowering into me.
‘Come on, I have to go’ I said pulling him up and sliding past him as I jumped off the kitchen counter.
‘Come on, please eat this’ I’d warmed a croissant and put cheese and jam on it for him, his favourite.
I had to leave, I couldn’t stay.
We hugged good bye, I got into my car and I redid my lipstick while he was looking at me from the bay windows in the spare room where I had spent my last night sleeping in our house.