I had to go to Israel because I had to do it for me. The woman as well as the little girl inside me needed to go. I needed to get away from the hurt and the pain that was haunting me. I needed to be alone and to fend for myself and fight for myself and be wild and free. I needed to make a new identity and I needed to be free to be who ever the hell I wanted to be and I had to start again.
Ironically who I needed to be was me, I didn’t even change and I didn’t even try to start over. Through the mountains and the waterfalls and the desert it was still me. It was still Danielle with her past and her fears and her dreams and I didn’t pretend to be anyone else.
I had to go because I had to find myself.
Little did I know that I had been with myself all this time. I knew and I know who I am. Maybe tiny fragments got lost and pieces fell away and there were new facets to my being that were growing. But I was still myself during it all.
That is why I had to go. Because I would never have learned that it had been me all along.
I would never have realised that I was in fact the strong woman that left an abusive marriage and I would never have recognised the compassion and the hope I have for people. Things like love and family wouldn’t have become my everything, the need to be a mother would never have made itself so apparent had I not run far far away from it all. My relationships have been strengthened and I feel the beauty of nature on my skin every day now and the sparkles in animals eyes.
There is a fire burning in my heart now. A fire so strong that it will never be put out. Perhaps that is why I had to be stripped bare and thrown into the wild. Perhaps I needed to learn my own strength. Only once I was forced to question every corner of my existence, my morals and my choices, and only when I was threatened with unbearable pain and abandonment would my true fire start to burn.
Perhaps that is why it all happened and that is why I had to leave the city that I was born in and I had to run far away and grow on my own.
Now its all in the past and theres a fire burning in my heart and my soul. Now all that remains are those memories that I left on the top of a mountain in the Golan Heights in Israel while looking over the beautiful landscapes of Syria. Thats where I left it all, in the calm of the valleys when hiking along the Jordan river.
All there is left to do now is freely be myself no matter how much that girl was judged and tortured, in the end, she is all I have.
My blog turns 1 year old today 🙂
I cannot believe this blog has been going for a year already and I cant believe everything thats happened.
How much I have grown and how much the blog has grown.
In the past year:
Moved into my own flat,
Quit my job,
Recovery for eating disorder – still doing this,
Backpacked through Israel solo,
Started a relationship with the most wonderful man,
Started a business
Blogged every day for a year
And probably a whole lot more 😉
I’m so proud and grateful to every single follower and reader, Thanks so much for all your love and support 🙂
Today I decided to spring clean my flat…
I found many things, like shopping in my own wardrobe, notebooks, memories…
I found my wedding rings, my wedding photos, my guestbook and my wedding dress.
I read through every message that every guest wrote. Everyone was so loving and the messages touched my heart deeply. People had so much love for us as a couple and we had so much love for each other.
Where did the love go?
I don’t know.
But I remember it so clearly.
The way our hands interlocked, the way we sang in the car together and drank wine while cooking. How we made love at midnight under the moon in our garden, how we took baths together and the way he smelt. The way he would give me medicine when I was sick and tucked me into bed.
That is what I’m remembering.
There was so much hate and so much trauma – up until today I don’t think I fully grasp how much trauma it was. I still don’t think I realise what a struggle it was. I have the memories and the scars of the hurt and the pain.
But the trauma is something that follows you after a divorce. The fears you now have for your new relationships. You carry certain beliefs with you that your ex made you believe but went true. You’re scared and a bit skeptic and I think that is where the trauma and the hurt lies. Its what you carry with you and I think it will probably take me a while, maybe a few years even…until I fully get passed everything…
For now, I’m trying to remember the beautiful parts that shined and not the sadness and hate.
I woke up at 01:45am this morning and I couldn’t go back to sleep.
Thoughts about my divorce just kept flying through my brain. The reasons, the things my ex husband said, the bulimia, my mom and dad crying with me in a parking lot. All those thoughts just flooded me and I was overpowered by shame.
I kept panicking about what A’s parents are going to say when they find out. Will they like me less and respect me less.
Sometimes I just feel so much guilt because I feel that A is the sweetest most incredible man and he deserves to be with a woman who wants the pretty white dress and who has idealistic views and is still naive and filled with innocence. I know this is just my ex husbands voice speaking to me, telling me that I am used up goods. I just can’t help these thoughts however.
I’m terrified of what his family will think when they find out about the eating disorder and the depression and the divorce.
I know I shouldn’t feel this shame, because my past is a part of me. And if it wasn’t for my past I wouldn’t be with A right now. So it has all happened for a reason.
It’s the past and it’s over and it does not define me. Yet It causes me a lot of anxiety as to what they will think when they find out the truth about me.
I went to my storage unit today.
Went through a few boxes. Saw all my glasses and pots and cookbooks and clothing and lamps and couches.
Everything from my past life.
As if my past is just living in that storage unit…
Can’t believe its part 11 already.
I guess I should be proud of how far I have come and where I am in life. Things could have been so different.
I chose self preservation over being emotionally neglected and miserable in a marriage that was toxic. I got divorced and uprooted my whole life. Everything is different now. Everything.
I hardly recognise the girl I was last year this time. And I hardly recognise the situation and the trauma as my own. I often forget about it all.
Then it comes in bouts and waves and reminds me, and the feelings return for a moment.
Sometimes I forget it but its still there, and I guess the feelings will remain for a while still…
If you told me a year ago that I would be this happy right now. I wouldn’t have believed you.
I knew I would recover from the divorce and the eating disorder. That I would adapt to living alone in a tiny apartment, that I would love myself, that I would love again and start new relationships. I knew it would happen. But at the same time there were times where I felt paralysed in the pain and stuck and I felt scared.
I knew I would never be the innocent girl I was. I knew my views would change and that life would be different. I got divorced at 25, was accused of having affairs, harassed and slandered. Things were never going to be the same again and I was never going to be as carefree and as naive. I knew things would be different.
What I didn’t know was; That things would be so much better.
That I would grow so much. That I would know myself better than ever and that my relationships with friends and family would become so much more meaningful and magical. That I would be confident enough to start my own business and be excited about the future.
And never would I have thought I would be in a relationship. I knew it would happen, but I could never have imagined this.
There are of course moments of insecurity and fear, but the belief and confidence and drive that I have gained is incredible.
I never imagined that it would be so much better…
So much more magical than it was…
And so much more magical than I could ever have imagined.
That’s what a friend told me.
I know, I can’t believe it ether.
‘Most of all…’ she said
‘I havent seen you this happy in years’
I spoke to my ex husband today about a few payments and debit orders that have been going out of my account for his medical scheme. Naturally he won’t pay me the money back. It’s fine.
Speaking to him brought on so much anxiety, I even drank an urbanol. I had a lump in my throat speaking to him and just his tone of voice makes me scared and want to cry. Which is so ironic because he comes across as the sweetest man ever.
Thanks for the reminder that leaving you was the best thing I ever did. Things are so much better now that you are not around.
Honestly I’m so grateful.
My best friend since I was nine years old – the one I surprised for her birthday. She has broken up with her boyfriend of 10 years and all I want to do is hold her.
All the dreams and hopes shattered. Just like I did, she has to move out, she doesn’t have much money and her world has shattered.
I wish I could take all the pain away.