Sorry but I’m not sorry – Day 20

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My ex husband just called me.

We actually had a really great chat for about an hour, we laughed about things and we chatted about all sorts of things. He still believes in my soul (whatever that is supposed to mean) and he will also do anything for me because he owes me. His life has changed, losing me was the worst thing that has ever happened to him and through this he has discovered himself. His true self and he is so grateful because he owes this all to me. If I had never left him, he would never has learned, he was so ignorant all these years. Also I am so incredibly smart – too smart for my own good actually – and so this went on. He will never give up hope, he wont tell me what he will never give up hope on however. He will never give up hope on my soul. He knows that the real me is still in there. This person that I have become is not the real me. Which is just fucking fantastic as far as I am concerned as it once again proves that he doesn’t want me to grow in any way. I need to stay the young and naive 19 year old that he fell in love with. Well things change and people change. He also somehow knows that there is someone else in my life – I didn’t elaborate on it at all or entertain it at all though.

He saw me the other day and it was a pleasant surprise he says, but he cannot risk seeing me again as he needs to go far away because he needs to distance himself from everything that is me. He will never be able to move on and grow if I am always in the distance – then perhaps he should stop emailing me? – anyway. I feel that we actually had a good chat and that we ok and I hope that one day we can actually be friends, he says it is impossible because it is too painful, but I believe we can.

And then I wrote this to him.

Perhaps when I’m sleeping you’ll get back on your feet.

You know there is someone else,
I don’t know how,
But you know,
You just wanted to keep talking and talking but I kept saying I was tired, we can talk tomorrow.
You know there is someone else,
You softly snuck in that sentence where you said:
‘don’t allow him to keep you from sleeping when you tired like your silly husband did, don’t allow him to be selfish like your silly husband was’
I didn’t even reply to it.
Eventually you let me sleep.
I got into bed and fell asleep right away.
I expected myself to lay awake and think about you.
But I didn’t.
I just went to sleep.

And then I wrote this.

I’m sorry but I’m not sorry

As the nights now get warm you kick off the sheets,
I’m so sorry
I’m entangled in him and i don’t mind getting hot when I sleep anymore, he holds me so tight at night and I sleep soundly. He breathes loudly into my neck and I smile.
I’m not sorry.
You breathed into me and I used to turn the other way because I couldn’t fall asleep,
you tried to hold me and you put your leg on mine and it felt so heavy i would slide away from underneath it.
I’m so sorry.
I stay up with him and we talk and we cry and I sleep for a few hours and I get drunk with him and we cheers with wine and we laugh.
I’m not sorry.
You begged me to stay 5 more minutes but I couldn’t do it because i didn’t feel safe anymore and i couldn’t listen to you anymore and i couldn’t see you drunk anymore and i couldn’t see the seeds from the weed anymore and i couldn’t feel you touch me anymore.
I’m so sorry.
Your eyes became so cold, we would lay on the couch and you would softly touch me and i got scared and i would call you on the brink of tears because the world became too much for me and you wouldn’t hear my voice trembling or you ignored it?
I’m so sorry
Now all i want is for him to touch me and when he calls I try to sound brave and he sees right through me and drives to me and he holds me.
I’m not sorry.
When i let you in and opened up and you told me you could not believe I would dump my illness on you at such an inconvenient time.
I’m so sorry.
I told him about it and he shrugged and said we all have our demons and he held me.
I’m not sorry.
You saw me the other day and you were surprised, you say you want to leave and you can never risk being near me because you will crumble,
I’m so sorry.
i never want to leave you and i want to be your friend and i don’t feel your presence anymore.
I’m not sorry.
You said losing me was the worst thing that had ever happened to you, you said you had never been so depressed, you said you would never give-up hope even if you know this is for the best.
I’m so sorry.
Losing you was hard but being with you was harder and i have never felt more alive and free than I do now.
And you know what,
I’m not sorry.

Abandonment issues – Day 17

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My therapist and I have chatted about my abandonment issues but we dug deep enough yet and we’ll have to extensively dealing with this issue. I am not sure where it stemmed from. I don’t know if started when I was a child. Maybe it was the fact that I went to boarding school at the age of 6? Maybe it was because when I was 16 I fell in love and the relationship ended and I felt abandoned? Maybe its just ingrained in me. Of course this year I felt completely abounded by my husband – naturally this was one of my main triggers that lead to my relapse.

Being abandoned obviously makes me feel that I am not good enough and that I am not worthy. Because I didn’t experience unconditional love from my husband, I learned that when you did something wrong you were punished. We started to plan a trip one night that we had been meaning to go on for a while, and we had a massive fight – I hardly remember what it was about – the next morning however he said ‘don’t even think we going on the trip anymore after last night’. That was punishment for not acting in a way that he wanted me to.

So now I go through a cycle and phases of rewards and punishment and not feeling worthy and feeling that I don’t deserve unconditional love. Not feeling good enough always being scared that I will not measure up or I will disappoint someone or someone will all of a sudden turn their back on me. Thats the anxiety of eating disorders sigh…

I slept over at his place last night and it was so lovely! We had such a wonderful time – as I always do with him. This morning I really did not want to leave, not because I wanted to spend the day with him (that would have been amazing) but because I always get scared that I will never see him again. Maybe that is why I am always so present with him. Thinking back now, I was exactly the same with my first love – i never wanted to leave him because I feared he would abandon me – which he did. Anyway it seems that this is a pattern. And it is one of the biggest triggers for my eating disorder.

So on my way to work I binged and then I cried and then I was so upset with myself. Then I gave myself a stern talking to and tried to be gentle with myself. Its ok to stuff up and its ok to have these slip ups and I cant beat myself up about them. Yes in my mind, binging or eating more than I had planned seems like an actual crisis – but when I sit and look at the bigger picture – all it is is part of my life plan. There is obviously so much growth that I am going through and that I am meant to be going through at this very moment to make me become the best version of myself. I guess that this is what I need to keep remember. It is what it is, in hindsight maybe this is where I am supposed to be right now.

I spoke to my mom yesterday and to my dad today and told them that my eating habits are out of control and I want to go back to therapy weekly and they were so supportive, they said they would help me out financially. This does make me feel a little bit useless, but it doesn’t matter if I need help right now, its allowed and I deserve it. Plus I was so scared to open up to them and tell them that I wasn’t 100% but when I did they were amazing and encouraged me to go to therapy and applauded me for making a move and recognising that I am slipping and that I am doing something before it spirals out of control – so that was so lovely. Its so weird that I have abandonment issues when I have the most fantastic family in the world.

I can feel my body getting a little bit pudgy and its difficult to deal with and this is ironically one of my main triggers for binging. When I don’t feel good about my body I often land up binging. So I have to feel good in my own skin but I find it so incredibly hard when I am in this cycle. I have to learn that there will be moments where my body doesn’t look or feel the way I want and thats ok.

My body is a mere shell and when I die one day I don’t want to be lying on my death bed knowing that cake was for a celebration and not reason for a mental breakdown. That I enjoyed my friends and families company instead of being horrified of a slice of pizza. I want to know that I lived and I danced and I ran because it was healthy and it made me feel alive, not because I had to burn calories or make up for indulging. I want to live knowing that my body is a miracle and that being healthy and being able to skip and jump makes me so fortunate. That my body is a temple and the only place I have to live and what it looks like is not the driving force, its how much I embrace it. I want to know that I felt and I cried and I pleaded with life to be kinder instead of pushing my emotions away and destroying and punishing myself for not being perfect. I want to live and know that I have lived. I want to let go and I want to be free. I want to live. And if living means that right now I have to endure these struggles then that is what I have to embrace. That I am living and learning and growing and that I am on the path to love and freedom.

If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start. Everything you want is on the other side of fear – Day 13

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I saw my psychiatrist this morning and my dose has been upped for my antidepressant and mood stabilisers. going from 100mg Lamictal and 20mg Lilly Fluoxetine up to: 150mg Lamictal and 40mg Lilly. She is happy to up the dose because I am on such a low dose and she feels that this could potentially be chemical. Also apparently you have many receptors in the brain and perhaps only some receptors are being linked and if we up the dosage more will be linked. Now what the fuck happens when they are all linked and I need to start unlinking them because I want to go off the medication?

When I get triggered I understand, and I understand what my triggers for my eating disorder are. Example yesterday there were of course a lot of strange feelings when I dropped off my settlement agreement. Then in the afternoon the plot thickened – my marriage certificate is missing – so now what? I binged and purged.

However when I wake up anxious in the morning and depressed and I want to binge and purge – this doesn’t make sense to me.

So this morning I went to gym and I had a balanced breakfast after and I had a balanced lunch because as much as it is psychological it is also physiological. Restricting is setting yourself up for failure – it will probably land up in a binge and then the anxiety gets worse and then purging is a great release and then you feel calm. Its a sick cycle and an addiction. So I really need to make a conscious effort to eat balanced, even if I find it scary – because I find a normal healthy portion to be massive – but then I binge and purge on 2000calories at once? Wavering between restricting and binging – sick sick cycle. If you walk in circles you’ll find yourself back at the start.

Another fun fact is that my marriage certificate has disappeared. I am 100% sure that it was in the envelope I dropped off yesterday and now my husbands lawyers say it isn’t. Naturally I am freaking the fuck out and anxiety level at 190000% and I have taken two urbanol – which I am not sure is even healthy? I am feeling slightly calmer but not even much, my legs are shaking so much and I have so much nervous energy yet I want to take a nap.

And now I am feeling calm and this post is going to take a complete different direction which I think is fantastic because it shows how scattered my brain is right now.

In hindsight maybe everything is just the way it IS meant to be? This is the path you meant to be walking, this is the journey. Is it hard? yes its fucking hard and its dark but its also light. In hindsight maybe everything is the way it is meant to be right now and life is a risk. Getting divorced was a risk and the best risk I have ever taken – no matter the fact that I will always hold my husband dear to my heart – it was a risk and it was great. Everyday is a risk, waking up is a risk and driving your car to work is a risk.

Life stops for no one, the world is carrying on. Time wont fly because you are paralysed by it, but the world is going on all around you. And maybe this is just the state I am in right now. I need to feel lost and absorbed in my eating disorder, and I need to have a disappeared marriage certificate because in the grander scheme of things its just a marriage certificate – I can and will get another. Its not the end of the world. In hindsight my friend was supposed to be really upset with me so that I could learn to balance friendships and personal relationships.

Perhaps right now I need comfort and I’m finding it in my eating disorder and yes I do need to fight it – but maybe this is just the space I am meant to be in. In hindsight maybe I am supposed to be completely terrified about the fact that I have met a man that makes me happy because its teaching me to follow my heart and take a chance on him and risk it and take the leap and just be.

In hindsight maybe this is where I need to be. In this cycle and on medication and divorced at 25 and now falling for someone new. I need to have a little money so that I can learn its worth. Maybe in hindsight the fat that I feel completely indifferent about my husband is just the way its supposed to be -no need to feel guilty because I moved on to quickly – who the hell made that rule up anyway. Maybe this is all just the way life is supposed to be right now.

Maybe it all just is.

And I just need to learn to be comfortable with the unknown because none of us know where we will be tomorrow. Maybe we just need to speak our minds and be open and tell people we care and love them and take the risk. Risk that job. Risk telling that person how you feel. risk telling your boss that you fucked up. Risk following your dream. Risk doing something you have always wanted to but were afraid you would be laughed at. Just follow your heart, if your wants you to take that risk then just take that risk.

Everything you want is on the other side of fear…

Happy anniversary baby – Day 6

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Today is my four year anniversary with my husband, we have only been married for 8 months but our relationship turns four today.

Our third year anniversary was magical. We went to our favourite restaurant for dinner, and we didn’t buy each other a gift, instead we wrote each other a letter. I still have that letter that was written 365 days ago but I cant bare to open it, I think there will come a time when I am ready, the time is just not now. I don’t know when it will be and I don’t know if waiting for the right time or never ever opening it again will help in any way or form even. I just cant even bare to think of the beautiful words that were shared, and all the love and the hopes and the dreams.

It was 3 months until our wedding and it was special. We were special, it was good and we were great. When you just skip certain conversations because you know you both thinking the exact same thing. I even remember what I was wearing and I remember what dessert he ate – Italian kisses. I would mention something that I was stressed about concerning our wedding plans and he would say that it didn’t matter, nothing mattered, all that mattered that we were getting married, it didn’t matter what went wrong or what went right, all that mattered was that we were getting married. We were about to embark on a journey as lovers and best friends forever.

While I know its all long gone and that magic is not here no more. I still shudder when I think of those moments and I remember them like they were yesterday, like I could relive them ever second of every day.

Numb. Numb is how I felt on the 25th of December 2014. Exactly 5 days after our wedding. Lying in bed with my husband, at my new parents house, with my new surname. Lying in bed with the person I had committed my life to. Numb. When he asked me for an annulment after 5 days of being married.

Now I lay in my bed decoding why the person I love so dearly just broke my heart in the blink of an eye. When nothing mattered. All that mattered was that we were lovers and best friends and we were about to embark on the most incredible journey of our lives, hand in hand forever.

But a lot mattered. Everything mattered.

So much mattered and I was oblivious to it all. I blocked it all out with the sounds of ‘I love you’. It mattered that our families were different, it mattered that I was 8 years younger than him, it mattered that his family thought I was not intellectual enough for him, it mattered that I was brought up in a close knit family, it mattered that I was a creative person that followed her dream of being a designer instead of committing my life to success and being a civil servant. It mattered that I had a soft and sensitive approach whist he told me to toughen up and stop indulging people, it mattered that people indulged me and that I would one day indulge my children. And it mattered that I was still the sweet and innocent 19 year old that he met 6 years in his eyes, it mattered that when I started to grow he wouldn’t support my growth. Most of all it mattered that he had a saviour complex, that he always wanted to save me, when I never needed to be saved. I needed to be loved and not abandoned.

I got a call from my lawyer today and my husband is going through with the divorce. I will be receiving the divorce settlement soon. I am afraid to see what it says but it actually doesn’t matter.

It doesn’t matter, nothing matters.

It doesn’t matter that I have been encouraged to get a court order against him for harassment and slandering. It doesn’t matter that his family accused me of having an affair and it doesn’t matter that they think I am a spoiled little girl that isn’t intellectual enough for their son. It doesn’t matter that my husband has said that I am now second hand and it doesn’t matter that I am 25 and getting divorced. And it doesn’t matter if his friends knew all along that he was making a mistake marrying me or that he often joked about me making a good first wife. It doesn’t matter that he told me not to take his last name because I was not his wife, I was a child. And it doesn’t even matter that he asked me for an annulment after 5 days of being husband and wife!

All that matters is that we had 4 years and they were special and they were good. I believed in love and I believed in the man I married. I will never view our love as a mistake and I will always cherish our time together even though we destroyed our relationship in the end and there is dust on every page, it was good and I’ll never look back.